I have to admit something.
Yesterday, I was all set to post a fantastic thing on my site, and right at that time, I had the second fatal error on my site in as many weeks.
And it was a doozy.
We’re talking the “up until 2:30am, trying to work it out with the hosting service, realizing that every time they connected that all of the previous files and site were gone, realizing that the back-ups weren’t loading correctly, going to bed without a solution, and resigning myself to the possibility that I was going to have to build everything all over again” reality.
It was not fun to be me last night/this morning.
Admittedly, it probably wasn’t awesome to be a family member of mine, either.
But, as we say in my house,
“We made it to this moment, and we didn’t die. That’s the win.”
And we did! Because while all is not 100% fixed, I was able to learn enough about things I never wanted to. If no one sneezes, the site should be okay until we figure out a better solution (namely, Renae needs to find a tech support person who trusts her when she says, “it’s a directory issue because of Apache”).
So why am I sharing about these very sad 24 hours in my life?
Because I had a moment at 2am when I just looked at my computer, and I looked at the office around me and said,
“I don’t know what to do.”
If you know me, you know that this is not a happy place for me to be. Those who have worked with, served with, and lived with me know that oftentimes, I am the source of “what to do” in many circumstances. I know some things. I have done a lot of weird things, and in my most protective moments, I’ll retreat to learn ALL of the information. Knowledge is empowering.
To have a moment, in the middle of the night, when I am exhausted, alone, and overheated, to have to admit to myself that I not only don’t have the answers - I have no idea what to do next; that’s shattering for me.
But it is progress.
Because I think that earlier in my journey, I would have responded very differently. Maybe making sure everyone at home was sad/mad with me by releasing the Crankasaurus Nae. Or by doing something drastic like eating ALL the ice cream. Or even getting in my car to take an unscheduled vacation.
I have been super talented in avoiding hopelessness and helplessness.
Today was different.
I got up and practiced some radical acceptance. What would it look like if I had to recreate it all? Would the people who had just registered for their online courses get angry because it had all gone away? Does the site define me (I mean, it is my name, after all)?
I evaluated those things and thought about something I had written down yesterday morning during my reflection time.
Watch Your Pace || Fight The Hustle
I know that I am not alone in the “detoxing” that is happening all around us right now.
For so long, we have been in this cycle of production and consumption as the ultimate markers of value, and the last few years have really started to clarify for us what is most important. It is not vanity metrics, market share, or even recognition.
What is most important is our relationship with ourselves and others (and for my theological people, God) and living as our full and authentic selves with each other.
Does this mean that if I needed to, I could walk away from the site, the brand, and the body of work?
But more importantly, I want to be able to rest in the knowledge and awareness that I could; that if I had to release to experience something that might be more life-giving, it wouldn’t mean I mean less to myself or others.
So my wish for you today is this: May you go through the rest of your day/week/month knowing that while the work we do with and for each other has meaning, it is not THE meaning, and you, all by yourself, are worthy of the time it takes to create margin, increase capacity, and accept with grace.