It’s Not You, It’s the Container

When systems, roles, and schedules don’t fit—and you stop taking the blame.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t I just handle this like everyone else?”—this episode is for you.

We’re handed a lot of pre-made containers in life: job descriptions, family roles, cultural expectations, productivity norms, schedules someone else designed. And when those containers don’t fit, most of us do the same thing: we assume we are the problem.

I’m too sensitive.
I’m too slow.
I should be more organized.
I just need to try harder.

But what if that’s not actually true?

What if the real issue is: the container doesn’t fit the human.

Containers quietly shape your nervous system

A “container” is any structure you move inside: a shift schedule, a meeting format, a role at work, an invisible set of expectations at home.

Some containers are supportive:

• Clear start/end times
• Realistic workloads
• Defined roles and responsibilities
• Built-in breaks and support

Others are quietly damaging:

• Vague expectations (“be available,” “just own it”)
• Constant multitasking and interruptions
• Emotional labor that’s never named but always assumed
• “Always on” culture and no recovery time

Over time, these leaky or rigid containers wear down your nervous system. You might start doubting yourself, snapping at people, or needing more numbing just to get through the day. It’s easy to label that as personal failure, when it’s actually a design problem.

Multitasking isn’t a strength; it’s a leak

Many of us were praised for being “great multitaskers.” In reality, what we were doing was rapid task-switching: bouncing between tabs, people, and crises with no buffer.

Your brain and body pay for that.

Every switch costs energy. Every interruption pulls you out of focus and deeper into survival mode. Over time, this feeds anxiety, resentment, and a sense of never really finishing anything.

You’re not bad at focusing.

The container is demanding something your nervous system was never meant to sustain.

When being “known” changes the container

One of the threads in this episode is how powerful it is to be known—especially in work or caregiving roles.

Being known sounds like:

• “You do your best thinking with quiet and long blocks; let’s protect that.”
• “You’re great with people but need recovery after groups; let’s build that in.”
• “You’re not the last-minute hero; you’re the steady planner. Let’s use that.”

When containers are built around your actual strengths, you’re not forced to use survival strategies as a lifestyle. You can access creativity, intuition, and joy again.

Containers as care, not control

We often hear “structure” and think control, rigidity, or loss of freedom. But the right containers are a form of care.

They might look like:

• A set time you stop checking email
• A clear scope for your role (and what isn’t yours)
• A meeting that always has an agenda and an end time
• One “potato day” per month that’s intentionally light

These aren’t rules to punish you; they’re boundaries to protect your energy.

Buffering: your nervous system’s best friend

Micro-buffers—5 to 10 minute pauses—might be the simplest way to reclaim yourself inside an unkind container.

A buffer can be:

• Two minutes of breathing in your car before walking in the house
• A quick stretch and water break between back-to-back calls
• Writing down one next step instead of carrying it in your head

Buffers tell your body: “We’re not trapped. We have choice.” That alone can lower your stress response.

You’re not “high-maintenance”—you’re clear

One of the lies we absorb is that having needs makes us high-maintenance or inconvenient. But clarity about what you need is not a character flaw; it’s a form of honesty.

Clear sounds like:

• “I can serve in this role if I have X and Y; without that, it’s not sustainable.”
• “I need a 10-minute transition between calls to show up well.”
• “I can come to this event, but I’ll need to leave by 9.”

Not everyone will adjust to your needs. But you can start adjusting the containers you control: your schedule, your expectations, your recovery time, your internal narrative.

A gentle reframe

Next time you feel that familiar “I’m failing” sensation rise up, try shifting the question:

Instead of: What’s wrong with me?

Ask: What about this container might not fit me?

You may not be able to redesign everything overnight. But you can almost always tweak something: a limit, a buffer, a script, a rhythm.

From there, you can slowly build a life that fits the human you actually are.

🎧 Listen to the full episode → It’s Not You, It’s the Container