Rewriting the Contract: A New Relationship with Your Inner Perfectionist

Renae: Well. Hello, Laura.

Laura: Hello, Renae. How are you today?

Renae: You know, I’m excited for the conversation about the perfectionist. And I’m, um, really loved our conversation for week one. And, you know, unpacking some of our own origin stories around our perfectionist. And I’m excited for us to go through today with our the healing conversation about understanding where, where, where it came from and what it’s doing and starting to to shake hands a little bit with it. So glad. Glad you got to help guide us through this with your with your wonderful outline. I’m going to give you all the credit for this outline because it’s it is true. It’s yours. But,

Laura: Thanks for

Renae: uh.

Laura: saying that. I mean, it’s certainly inspired by all of our conversations. Um, what? In the in the healing portion of this. Like, we I, we we uncovered a lot of information last time about perfectionism, how it shows up. And so when you think about healing your relationship with your inner perfectionist, what’s the first thing that comes up in your mind?

Renae: Um, part of it is for me to test the voice and how much of it is, is really mine, and how much of it is someone else’s that if if the language of the dialogue that I’m hearing, the narrative that I’m hearing from the perfectionist, is an echo of someone else, or if it’s truly something that I. Need to. It’s really for me to pay attention to. Um, I think that there’s, um. A whole, you know, childhood history that we, we carry into our into our adulthood. Um, and for me, being able to suss out which things are actually me and which things are left over is important. And so that’s probably, for me the first step.

Laura: Yeah, I think that’s a really good a really good call out to say that not everything that you believe or everything you have a story around is even, you know, grounded in reality necessarily, right like that, that you can have a chance to examine that. I think, too, for me, one of the things that I that feels good to me when I find myself in a cycle of perfectionism, is to do something that feels really low stakes. I don’t care about the outcome. I don’t care about it being perfect. I mean, cooking is a good is a good, um, example of that for me because it lets me be creative and create a thing, but it doesn’t. You know, if it’s not the best thing, then it’s fine. We don’t. If it’s really gross, we don’t even have to eat it. But that’s a good low stakes thing for me. And then also I have an art practice. So just, you know, drawing some bubbles or some patterns can kind of get me out of that perfectionistic headspace and reset my energy so that I can move into something else where part of me feels like, quote, the stakes are higher in that thing, and allows that part of me to step back a little bit and move with that more free flowing energy and more experimental type of energy into whatever that other activity is.

Renae: Yeah. It’s it’s taking that that, um, like we talked a little bit about in the last episode that it’s, it’s moving from perfection to practice that there’s this, this piece of I’m, I’m developing new neural pathways by experiencing things. And, and part of that is trying and so creating that compassionate space for us to try, um, in a, in a that low stakes, it’s okay to not get it right and to to fail forward and to to be okay with that. And I think part of, um, I think we struggle with that culturally, um, you know, in twenty twenty five, because we’re so used to instant gratification and having things right away and at our fingertips that it’s hard for us to go through processes. We’re we’re really used to getting things pretty immediately. It’s I blame Google.

Laura: Yeah. And, uh ChatGPT. Well, he is also responsible. He or she that ChatGPT. Uh, I think that’s true. And I, I think part of this process of healing your perfection or healing this relationship you have with your perfectionist is what you’re bringing up is a practice of patience, right? That’s allowing things to take the time that they take, and letting go of the expectation that it’s going to be perfect right away. I was just I was just watching something. It was like super business related. Um, but it’s interesting because it reminds me of this conversation now that we’re having it is where this person he was talking about, you know, selling digital products and, and how that worked and what you need to do. And he said, really, the thing that we’re missing is the skill set to be able to do that. And, you know, and it was he said, I know that it seems overly simplistic, but really it’s something that you could learn how to do, right? So that there’s steps that you could take to figure this out. And. What he also said was that it takes time to learn the skill set, and that it’s okay for you to be figuring that out, as long as you’re figuring out and you’re moving across that line of from from here where I am, you know, not having a successful in his in this example, a successful digital business to having whatever you’re defining as successful digital business, like just taking steps along that line and that that anyone can learn and anyone can move forward. And it was such a simple message, but it really was helpful to me because I, I do the same thing in those in those business types of situation where, you know, I want everything to be immediately successful and then lose interest in it or just move to something else if it’s not. And then just this remembering of the goal isn’t if I switch around the goals like, okay, of course the goal is a successful business, But could the could the first goal be building a skill set?

Renae: Mhm.

Laura: And that is within my control and my power to do, and even an imperfect way.

Renae: Yeah. Yeah. And it’s, it’s an interesting I’m thinking about this too from a bit of a neurodivergent lens. Um, I was speaking to my sister um a couple years ago and she said oh so and so is convinced you have OCD. And I said, oh, good lord, no, I totally don’t have OCD. I can’t hold a habit to save my life. Literally, I can’t, I, I have to ritualize things. But it’s not a, it’s not a compulsion. It’s a it is literally me making a choice. Like I have to make a choice to do it. And if I am so easily distractible and so easily, um, derailed that there’s there’s no like this, then this, then this. Even though I have, I have a practice and a routine, like I have a routine that I go through every morning that that allows for it. And if I don’t go through it, we all notice, um, and it’s just part of my alignment. But it’s not like a okay, I have to do these things out of superstition or perfectionism or any of that. And the days that I do miss, I will generally on the right something along the lines of grace upon grace in the blank spaces. And it’s the that this thing of it’s not about a checklist of getting this done. And that means I’m done it perfectly. It is it. Am I giving myself the things that I need? Have I found the practices that give me what I need? And it’s taken years. It’s taken years of trying different things and saying, oh no, I thought that was going to work, but that didn’t work. And being okay with it.

Laura: Yeah. And I think also you’re describing like an energy shift, you’re allowing yourself to come into the energy that’s going to set you up for the best day available to you by by going through those things. And even that ritual of the energy shift has taken you iterations to uncover the best version of. And then probably you could tell me, but it probably evolves as you evolve as well.

Renae: Absolutely, absolutely. Because it’s the coming into part I mean, part of the whole practices, that reflection and awareness of all the different parts of me. Um, looking through the lens of heart, mind, body and soul and and what’s going on with my heart. What do I need? You know how. What do I have capacity for today? Okay. How am I going to support myself? Um, and so I’m it’s a snapshot and a response. Um, but even I’ve been taking the last two months, I’ve been doing, um, a pretty good job of taking supplements and vitamins in the morning. And it’s. I have a certain order that I like to eat them in, but it’s not because of a compulsion. It’s because I try to get the ones that taste terrible done first.

Laura: It’s a strategy

Renae: It’s.

Laura: for actually

Renae: It

Laura: consuming

Renae: is like,

Laura: them all.

Renae: I would like to end with this flavor and start with this flavor. And this is what’s how it’s going to go. Um, and so you someone might look at it from the outside and be like, oh, it’s very ordered. And it’s like, no, there is an order. But it’s not rigidity, it’s just strategy. Um, and so it’s and if it happens a different way, that’s okay. And I think that’s the difference between a practice and perfectionism is it doesn’t there’s not a oh, well, I might as well go back to bed. I’ve screwed this up already today. But I do know that that has been a part of my I mean, there are classes in college that I never got in the room. I, I was like, oh, I’ve missed the first class. I guess I’m dropping this.

Laura: We’re done here.

Renae: We’re done. I didn’t want to take that history class anyway, but I just was like, I’m late. The teacher locked the door. That sent a clear message. I’m never going to be on time because I cannot physically be on time most of the time. And so I’m done.

Laura: Yeah. You know, it comes up a lot. The same thing comes a lot up a lot when I talk talked to students, my yoga students, about meditation, and there’s so many people that say, well, I can’t meditate. My mind is too busy. And of course, missing the whole point that that’s what meditation is for. And I heard somebody else describe it once as saying that you were too dirty to take a bath. And that always stuck with me as something to be like, it’s okay. It’s okay to start where you are. Like, that’s

Renae: Right?

Laura: the it’s the practice, not the perfect you. We’re cultivating.

Renae: Right. And so the. Understanding I think part of the healing too is, is when I, when I’m thanking my perfectionist for the job that it’s done of, of keeping me safe because there are definitely environments in which I had to present near close to perfect in order to survive the environment. Um, and so it did that for me. Um, and now it doesn’t serve me because I’m in charge of my environments. Right? So I think that that’s a part of it too. Of the is we’re looking at our, our growth in life and our healing is is understanding. Um, we are the in charge adult of our lives. And part of these left over narratives or messages or things that continue to loop for us are our vestiges of of us, not us, someone else, something else. And we get to to reclaim that, that narrative and say, no, it’s it’s actually okay.

Laura: Yeah. I think that when if you are um, our listeners are working through this, our companion workbook in this healing trunk. What we what the practice is here is doing exactly what you’re saying. Like this discernment, like carrying this discernment from the awareness work. And then and then also developing any kinds of like, like you and I were just talking about any kind of energy shifts, um, you know, rituals, whatever you want to call those, and building up this toolkit to help us integrate this awareness into those shifting energies. You talked about your morning routine. Um, I talked about my art practice. Is there anything else that you like using as kind of this tool in the toolkit that helps you embrace your inner perfectionist?

Renae: Yeah. I think, um, mantras are important for me in this and and not not necessarily a traditional yoga mantra, But in in the there are scripts that I will say to myself that it’s like, you know, good enough is great, or this is, this is what I can do. And that’s wonderful. And the other things that acknowledge that I might start to loop into an old pattern, I might start to, um, default to to something that feels comfortable because I’m used to it, but it’s not actually the growth path that I want. It’s not the healing path that I want. And so it it catches me and compassionately redirects myself. And so there are those types of those things that I will say, um, and, and scripts to me are, are really important. Um, the way my brain works, uh, scripts bounce around a lot. Um, and so it’s a they’re very they’re very important for anchoring. Um, when I have my workspaces and my life spaces set up in the way that I want them, there are little note cards all over with quotes and sayings and scripts and reminders and affirmations, because I need to sometimes just look up and say, ah, yeah, that’s right. Right. And so creating that, that but I call those resiliency objects. So creating those resiliency objects that I can see and then I can then internalize and carry with me when I feel like I’m starting to loop back into that space, it’s not going to be helpful for me.

Laura: Yeah, I love that idea. I love that idea of of a resiliency object, a thing that you could always see or even catch out of the corner of your eye. That just gives you a sense of grounding or whatever that needs to be in the moment, brings your attention back to where you’d like it to be, instead of allowing it to loop into your perfectionist spiral.

Renae: And I think, too, that there is a, um, I learned this from, um, the the visualization of this. I actually learned from my friend Ruben, who, uh, was formerly incarcerated, former gang member in Los Angeles, who said, as we were talking about, um, negative thought loops and, and the, the big finding comfort in the discomfort, um, he says to me, I imagine it that it comes to the door and it knocks and I open up the door and I’m like, oh, hey! And I shake hands with it and then say, now’s not a good time to visit. Here’s when you can come back. And I just loved that whole visual of I’m acknowledging that this part is here, and I’m letting it know that this is not the time that we have set aside in order to address what is what what what they’re trying to bring up right now that this this perfectionist is trying to tell me something and it’s message is important. And maybe there are times that I have to say, you know, we’re going to have to table this and let’s schedule a coffee later. Um, and so it’s not dismissive and it’s not avoiding. It’s just rescheduling because it’s not going to be helpful for me in that particular moment. And I love that he taught me that.

Laura: Yeah, that’s a great visual, a great way for you to even just take a moment and really close your eyes and imagine that scenario.

Renae: And

Laura: To

Renae: it makes

Laura: regroup.

Renae: it a little less scary to when there’s when there’s a Uh, like it’s your house. You open the door. Right. Like you get to decide.

Laura: Do a deep sense of autonomy.

Renae: Mhm. So I think that those are, those are some of the, the ways I like the exercises of um, rewriting the contract and saying, hey, this is how we’re going to shift our relationship. And I know that maybe for some people that feels like really like woo woo or weird or, or that, you know, it’s kind of inner internal work. Um, and as a person who might have that in my, in other times of my life, um, I will say that this, that giving, giving those parts of myself a new job is some of the most healing, important healing work that I have ever done. That was this has been the like the game changer for me is to say this is actually where you’re going to be helpful. Um, I get to I get to be the manager of myself, right? Again, I keep saying in charge, adult. I’m. I’m in. I am the manager. I’m the one in charge. Um, and I, I get to say thank you. And this is the job I’d like you to do. Now, this is where it would be really helpful, um, for you to bring those particular strengths and skills into my life and, and us to use that. And we’re going to be really compassionate.

Laura: Yeah. And backing up just one, one step. When you’re talking about this inner contract, I think what you’re referring to and correct me if I’m wrong is like your perfectionist a lot of times has laid down these rules for you that says if you do it this way, then if you do this work this perfect way, then this work has value. And if you don’t, then it doesn’t. Or, you know, like whatever deal it is that it’s dictating to you. And so you have these kind of, um, inner rules that you might not even be that consciously aware of. And what you’re saying is, is like, you don’t have to let the perfectionist dictate that control. Like, you can you come to the table with some negotiations and be like, look, I have a win win for both of us that,

Renae: Right?

Laura: you know, if we upend this contract, here’s what you could do instead. Um, perfectionist in in service to the goal that we’re both reaching for, which is, you know, more fulfillment and, and a higher quality in our work or whatever thing that might be.

Renae: Yeah. And I think that’s the, um, this is the part that in a lot of our conflicts as humans, whether it’s with ourselves, with the environment, with, with an unnamed entity, with, with other people, it’s, um, That shift from um opposing to partnering is incredibly powerful, and it is one of those skills that it has to be developed. We don’t naturally do that. We naturally go to our downstairs survival brain of, okay, uh, my my caveman self has emerged. And in order to have safety, this is what has to happen. Um, and we get really definitive about it. And that movement of actually it’s us together accomplishing this goal, um, does take a lot. It just it diffuses it takes a lot of the fear out of it.

Laura: Yeah, definitely.

Renae: How about you? What are some other tools for you?

Laura: Well, of course I’m always going to my yoga practice and. Finding softening in the body is always helpful to me because when these kinds of, you know, when the inner perfectionist shows up, a lot of it brings a lot of tension and, um, you know, bracing, I guess. And so I can find a softening in that either with physical movement or with a breath practice. And I also just that coming back to what we touched on last week, too, about just this gratitude of, you know, thank you so much. I so appreciate that you are here protecting me. Um, and then shifting the focus from it, dictating what is happening to me, just thinking it. And we’re just going to carry on, and I you’re right here to keep me safe. Great. I’m going to keep moving this direction. But I hear what you’re saying, like the acknowledgement and the moving forward, I think is powerful for me.

Renae: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Um, it it occurs to me that. If. That that it’s it actually really is important, I think to do this the awareness work before we go into the healing work for this exact reason. Because that question of is this a default or is this a, um, is this a default for comfort? Is this a default for us? Um. I because I haven’t learned another skill yet. Is that like what? Why why why am I doing it this way without judgment? It’s it’s a very non-judgmental stance of just being, again, open and curious about what is what’s actually happening here versus just experiencing it. Um, and so the, the awareness piece of it isn’t that, um, like you and I both in, in, in our yoga instruction, I know that both of us talk about there’s no judgment. It’s an awareness. You’re just bringing awareness to this particular thing. Right? Being aware of how you breathe. How deep is that breath? How how shallow is that breath? Neither are good or bad. You’re just paying attention. And so there is this piece of, um, maybe that forms that some of that first step is carving out time and saying it’s actually it’s actually really important for me to carve out time to reflect and and to become aware, like, just whether it’s whether it is a body scanning, whether it is, uh, I’m noticing that my shoulders are raising up and my my my my neck, my shoulders are coming up to protect my throat because I’m feeling this tension. Right. So okay, so there’s a protective thing happening here. What’s going on? Um, and not in a what’s going on with you, but a huh what’s what’s what’s up? Um, because it’s I just don’t know that we do a good job developing that skill culturally of awareness and reflection.

Laura: I think you’re exactly right about that. You think about. I mean, I just got right before we got on this call. I got a message from a client. That’s that’s. We just got feedback on a project, and now we have to turn this around by Thursday at noon, and there’s no, no, um, message from, uh, a workplace ever says, and go ahead and take your time and figure out how to do this. It’s like you have a deadline. This has to be done. So we’re just so wired to be in constant motion and really finding, I think it is like a real discipline to take the time to even just find a minute of self-awareness and reflection, um, and making that a habit. That’s also that’s work, you know, like, because it doesn’t come naturally. I don’t think it even comes naturally when we have nothing to do. And it certainly doesn’t come naturally in our normal society, where we are constantly told that we are and we feel like we have everything to do.

Renae: Well

Laura: So

Renae: in that.

Laura: and I like that. I mean, I like that you brought up again this idea of becoming aware first and then having tools that help you address it because you if you’re not aware, you don’t know you need the tools. You don’t know how to use the tools. The tools are, you know, not helpful. Like if I have a cake pan, but I don’t know that I need to make a cake. Like it’s not doing me any good. But by being aware, like, okay, there’s an event coming up, okay? Perfectionism shows up like this. Now, what tools do I have in order to make this cake? In order to, um, join with my perfectionist?

Renae: Yeah. And, um, the the relationship between production and perfectionism is really strong. I think, um,

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: and remembering that we live in a very, um, production oriented, high production value culture that, um, in that you miss nuances sometimes and you miss personality and you miss, um, those different perspectives that actually bring richness, um, versus just creating widgets. I don’t know if you had, um, junior achievement in elementary school growing up, but I, we had this. Do you have that?

Laura: I remember it, but I don’t remember very many details about it. Tell me about it.

Renae: Um, so I think it was meant to be like business workplace skills brought to elementary. I, I think I don’t actually remember what the whole what they told us it was about. The one thing I remember is sitting in Miss Curran’s sixth grade class and we were creating widgets. They taught us how to make an assembly line, and how it would be so much better if each of us had a certain job to do on creating this widget. That was our specialized job versus each of us trying to do it individually. Oh my gosh, like half of my problems. With expression can be summed up in that particular lesson of it. It needs to be the same. We need to work fast. Don’t worry about your personality or your perspective. You have a job to do in the assembly line, and you can be

Laura: Ah.

Renae: so much faster. If you just did that one job in the assembly line and being

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: told that is the way to be.

Laura: Yeah. That’s a, that’s pretty profound

Renae: Good

Laura: lesson.

Renae: God.

Laura: An anti lesson I guess.

Renae: Good God. I mean, I don’t think any of my my elementary school chums are listening to that. But if you were in Mrs. Curran’s sixth grade class in the eighties, um, and you remember that lesson? I just, I, I, I can visualize the whole classroom and that moment and and yes, he was absolutely right for production. That is exactly correct. That is not good for Humaning.

Laura: Right?

Renae: I wish somebody would have come in and help me learn how to human.

Laura: Yeah, that’s a whole different skill set, isn’t it?

Renae: So here we are. You know, here we are

Laura: Right

Renae: for, you

Laura: now

Renae: know, uh.

Laura: we’re giving these lessons that we needed in Mrs. Curran’s class.

Renae: Thirty nine years later, here we are, um,

Laura: Oh.

Renae: relearning, unlearning and relearning

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: some, some patterns. So, um. Well, I’m. I’m excited for, uh, what we when we get into the next part of bringing this together and integrating it and the the richness of that as we move through, um, week, you know, we’re finishing we’re going to finish up week two and, um, enter into week three and have these conversations about, um, now that we’ve built this awareness, now that we are, um, developing these, these new practices and thinking about how we can compassionately embrace and this part of ourselves, um, what can we do to build on that? What can we do to, um, develop, um, a healthy relationship with our perfectionist? Um, so that we’re not experiencing, you know, so much judgment and, um, um, you know, uh, I’m, I’m I can’t think of the right word. Maybe you can think of it that that the lens that we’re putting on ourselves.

Laura: Yeah, yeah, just a healthier way for us to move forward instead of fighting infighting. We’re all moving towards the same end in a way that works for our whole selves. Yeah. So if you are interested in diving deeper into this, we have, um, our next micro journey that you can download for free, which is our perfectionist micro Journey week two. If you missed the first one, don’t worry, we have resources for that. Exactly like week two, and you’ll want to go back and listen to the first episode in our perfectionist journey. And then if you want to go really deep, then you can download our twenty one day Perfectionist journey making an ally out of your inner perfectionist.

Renae: Awesome. Thank you so much, Laura.

Laura: Thank you Renae.