I Trusted You to Carry Your Part

Laura: All right, Renae, we are back for week two Talking about the boss. And so what I’m really excited to talk about this week is, you know, we, we did some work around awareness of what the bosses. But now I think it’s going to be fascinating to dig into like, what is the boss trying to do for us? How is it trying to help us? Because as we’ve been saying underneath all of this, all of these parts, you know, as bad as sometimes their behavior can be, it’s all coming from this good place of trying to keep us safe and, um, you know, keep us in surviving in this world. So when we think about the boss and how it’s trying to keep us safe, how do you how does that question land for you? What do you feel like your boss trying to keep you safe from?

Renae: I mean, the, the harm is like the basic answer there. But it’s not just like when we say that sometimes we’re thinking, you know, physical harm or, or, you know, feeling bad in it or being hurt. Um, um, but it’s not just that I think that last, last week, we, we, um, started to talk about trust and I want to come back to that particular piece, um, that the, the, um, as we’ve talked before about the attachment cycle that occurs when we have people in our lives that meet us when we’re in distress and let us know that it doesn’t have to stay that way and creates these patterns. Um, our brains and bodies say, oh, I can trust people. I know I’m not going to be alone when things are hard. I know that my discomfort and my distress doesn’t have to stay that way, and that there are people who will walk with me. And I, I think there’s a little bit of that in here too, because, um, that, that when, when things aren’t reliable, when they’re not predictable, when they’re not consistent, um, that’s when I’m going to feel like, well, if no one else is creating this consistency, then I’m going to have to create it for myself. And then by default, that means for other people.

Laura: Right? Yeah.

Laura: I think for me, um, that certainly comes up. And then I also think about times when I’ve felt like I needed to take control of something and it’s, you know, like you said, that group project, group project, it’s like you’re saving yourself from a circumstance that you want to prevent. Like, I don’t want to get an f I, you know, at work. It’s like, I want people to know I can do. I want people to, to see my competence. And so I’m going to prevent myself from looking dumb by doing, you know, by being the one that can get things done, you know. And so I think there’s a big social component to it as far as just like your own or for me, like my own way that I’m viewed by other people, you know, as being someone that is smart and competent.

Renae: Yeah. I’m, I’m thinking too, that there’s, um. I think I’ve had a sense, especially in the last twenty years of my life, that there’s, there’s been underlying seasons where there’s been chaos or disruption or trauma all, all through the last fifty years here and there. And that there are parts of me that really want to express themselves, you know, creatively and, and things I want to, you know, when I say expression, it can be any type of expression into the world, but it is, it is part of me to share that. That’s part of my personality. It’s part of my makeup. It’s who I am. And that when things are chaotic, I don’t feel safe enough to do that. I don’t have enough runway in order to be able to explore or create or think or be expansive. And so I’m going to only be able to share if I do share it all. Little tiny, narrow slivers of myself. That is not satisfactory to me, especially as a middle aged lady. I’m, I’m done with that, that paradigm. Um, and, and so I’m recognizing that the parts, where are the times in my life where I have been really let down, um, from people being, you know, unreliable and I’ve had to take over. His has been when I, when I. Again, come back to that word trust when I trusted that they meant what they said, and I trusted that when they said it’s okay to to it’s okay to dream, it’s okay to build. It’s okay to be, you know, like you can trust that we’re going to hold that for you. And that hasn’t happened. That’s been that’s been the devastating part for me. And that makes me it makes it hard for me to enter into other situations of collaboration and, and working with people. So I’d rather just do it myself.

Laura: Ah, yeah. So it’s protecting you from that disappointment. Yeah. It’s interesting as we were so last week, we talked about just this, a general awareness of the boss. And as I was reflecting on that, um, I was thinking, I mean, and it’s kind of similar, which is what reminded me of it is my boss comes out most. Because one of the questions that we, you know, posed to our listeners and ourselves, like, when does your boss come out? And mine certainly comes out more at work. And, um, and almost never in my personal life. And I really think that it is because I, in the people in my personal life, I feel that they understand me and I feel like they know my value and they share that, you know, and, um, um, and, but then when I find myself in a work situation, I think, and I don’t think that that’s as much, you know, in the last ten or fifteen years, but certainly when I started in the workforce especially, I’m just really introverted and I’d rather sit back and hear what’s happening before I do anything. And I used to get a lot of feedback that that was, you know, you’re too quiet, people. We need to, you know, you don’t speak up enough. No one knows what you’re doing. And so I think that I started to just kind of like overcompensating by letting this boss part come out and, you know, being the doing ist doer and the most straightforward, aggressive person that is within my personality to be. And so I think that was like, really kind of like that compensating to be heard. Whereas in my personal life, I feel like I am already heard.

Renae: That’s fascinating because when you said that I was, I have had not a similar experience this across the board. Um. Across the board, I am the, the often the default organizer, decision maker holder of all of the things. So whether it’s in a volunteer group, whether it’s a church, whether it’s in a family setting, whether it’s in a friend group, you can rest assured that I will be generally the person saying. We said we were going to do this. Uh, are we going to do this? I guess I’m going to help us do this. And everyone has a great time and they’re super glad. And they’re very they’re very thankful. And then no one does it again. And so it’s, it’s the whole like, okay, it’s the default, right? It’s the, that default.

Laura: Um, well, that’s really interesting.

Laura: Too, because I will have to keep my eyes on who’s doing that in my personal life and make sure that they’re not always carrying that burden by themselves.

Renae: I had an experiment that I did. Um, it was, it was right after I, um, had cancer and in two thousand and seven. And that was this very important shift for me, because it was when I started to say, wait a minute, I am not demonstrative toward people in general, and I don’t tell people I love them. And I do love people, and I do need people. And I started to develop that awareness and understanding of myself and my dynamic with them. Um, and then I, I took a look and I realized I was carrying the friendships for like my, like your closest friends. Um, I was initiating everything. I, I was reaching out, I was doing the invitations, I was checking in, I was doing all that. And so I said, oh, what would happen if I didn’t do that? If I wasn’t the boss of the relationship? And I said, I’m going to see what happened. and people got upset at me.

Laura: Really?

Laura: It wasn’t like a thing where I thought you were going to say and, like. Then it faded away and we never talked again. No. People were rebelling against it. Huh?

Renae: Well, and in in some respects, there were there was a we drifted away and it was it it was over. And they were like, well, you stop talking to me. And I’m like, so here’s you know, since we’re talking about this, I just want to point out that, in fact, all I did is stop doing all the work to make a relationship happen. And I know that seems like like a bit of a departure, except it’s not right like that, that kind of overfunctioning and that, that this is probably a, you know, it’s, it was an unhealthy balance in the relationship and an unhealthy dynamic. And I was forcing it by continually trying to fix it and doing it myself versus letting it be organic. Um, and so that was a big, that was a big, a big shift for me to, to recognize, oh, I need to be in, in healthy relationships where we don’t have a power dynamic like this.

Laura: Yeah, yeah. That’s really interesting, isn’t it? I never knew that this boss was going to have so many layers to it.

Laura: There’s going to be so much.

Laura: Self-discovery in it. So I guess from here, like I, I guess I’m kind of wondering like this part and, you know, it has this kind of default patterns that it’s, you know, like trying to navigate around other people. Um. I mean, I don’t know, like where, where do you think is an interesting place to go from here? Like if we’re thinking about why this is happening, then it’s kind of like a then what?

Renae: Well, I think the question we asked last week is, is a beginning piece of it, of is this mine, theirs, ours or not even something that I need to be worrying about? Like, is this is this really, is this really part of, of this? Or am I hearing someone else’s script say that it needs to be? And that’s actually not the full truth. So I think it starts a little bit with that. And then I think to the, um, when we talk about the, um, um, the boss role, we’ve been using the term do the doing of things like, so there’s like this action piece that’s like super strong of I’m taking action, I’m making this plan. I’m communicating, I’m driving it. Um, all of those things. There’s a, there’s an energy, there’s a will, there’s, there’s some kind of, um, I mean, there’s a lot of energy behind it actually. Right? Yeah. And so the, as you were talking about the, you know, sitting the sitting back and observing in the watching, that is a choice. And there’s energy to that as well.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: Right. It’s just, it’s just internalizing the energy. Um, I think there’s a happy medium between those two that says, hey, what would the experiment look like if, if I didn’t fix it and I sat with people in, in the problem versus trying to fix it, like, what if I let this be a place where, um, I could actually show that I have feelings and that I have, um, you know, empathy and compassion and it and the doing of it, the fixing of it. Like sometimes I can’t fix it and I need to be okay with that because I, when I do that, I’m trying to force control or create the situation where it looks like I’m in control. And that again, is not always the full truth.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. I think that’s a really interesting, this idea of not completely checking, not taking over and not checking out. And it’s making me think because one of the reasons that I check out or take over, I guess it’s just because my frustration gets so high and I want to reduce that feeling of frustration. So I wonder what would happen if I was able to notice that frustration, and then just start observing the situation to see what people are getting out of the indecision and start to take notes about how is this helping them process whatever they need to process instead of inserting my own feelings into it?

Renae: Yeah, and it does. It does take us to, you know, the being in a place where we’re regulated and in touch. And so at no point am I trying to set us up to fail to say, well, if you’re not, you know, sitting in the, in the muck with the people, uh, when it’s the things going on, then you’re not doing, you’re not being a good boss or you’re not being a good in charge or whatever, or a good partner or team member. Um, but it is, it is saying that if you’re exhausted, if you’re exhausted from feeling like you constantly need to protect yourself and to like, take charge to protect yourself, um, or you or you’re exhausted of Navigating the emotional part of creating. Um, oh I’m not. How am I going to say this? Uh, um, uh. People’s disappointment or frustration about how you handled it, um, or their discomfort with it or their discomfort with the situation, like all of those things take a lot of energy. And so if you can intentionally enter that, um, and, and be okay, not trying to be the one that has the answer all the time.

Laura: Right?

Renae: There’s, there’s, there’s still opportunity for you to, you’re like, your presence is the doing sometimes.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. And, and what conditions then, or what measures could you put in place that could make you feel more comfortable in that situation? Might be another thing to ask yourself.

Renae: Yeah. And, and I think, um, part of it is having that conversation, um, like with my, with my youngest, um, every once in a while she’ll get on a tear about something and I can’t tell if she’s complaining or if she wants me to fix it. And so I will just ask, are you venting or are you asking for help? I need to know how I’m supposed to respond right now.

Laura: Does the boss need to come? Or does the helper.

Laura: Or the or whatever part that is?

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: And part of it is that she, um, you know, she’s had, she’s a pretty strong independent streak. Um, I wonder where she got that from. Um and um there have been times when I’ve been ready to march on down to a school or send a strongly worded email or whatever. And she’s like, no, no, no, no. I’ve got this. And I’m like, I’m pretty sure you don’t got this, but you have asked me not to intercede. You want to try to manage this yourself? It’s probably going to be messy. And so I’ll just say, okay, I hear you. I’m here if you need me. Um, and that that piece of it, of saying like, you know what? I, I want her to, I want her to learn. I want her to like part of my mentorship, part of my being in charge here is creating opportunities for her to develop those, those skills and, and be able to make decisions. And, and that’s whether that’s a person who’s a child or if it’s a person who’s a partner or a volunteer or a person in the, in the checkout line with you that you don’t know at all. Like it’s just okay to ask people like, do you need help?

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: And if they say no, you’re like, okay, cool. If you need help.

Laura: With that answer, you have to.

Renae: Be okay with no. Yeah. Right.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. Right. Interesting.

Renae: So it part of it is trusting yourself, too.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: Like trusting that it’s going to be okay. And it’s, it’s not a reflection on you if someone says no or no, thank you. It, it’s really allowing people to have the same level of dignity and ownership that you want for yourself.

Laura: Yeah, absolutely. So as we’re going through this week, um, we, we brought awareness to our boss and now we’re going to start noticing when it comes up why? Like, what is it afraid of? What is it trying to protect us from? And if it’s like, got these rules that it’s trying to follow and and just starting to bring more awareness to those things.

Renae: Yeah. I think that practice, um, just even imagining, um, what stepping back might feel like. And if like, and if that feels really unsafe, what do you, what would make it feel safe for you to say? Actually, I don’t need to hold this in the same way. Um, and what do you need? Like, you know, if, if you want to provide support, how about providing some support to yourself in this? And so the micro journey for this week will give you an opportunity to identify, um, the, the rules and the undercurrent of, of discomfort and fear that that might have been in the history that has helped develop this part. Um, and, and what that brings up for you and really start to explore that.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: And if you’re finding this work helpful and you want to go really deep, then you can get the workbook that is our twenty one day journey that allows you to really, really fully explore, um, the part, the, the part in your life that this part the boss plays for you and how you might be able to use its forces for good.

Laura: Absolutely.

Renae: I so appreciate that. And, um, I appreciate you, Laura, uh, that you are carving out time, um, from your schedule to impart your wisdom and share with everybody. I’m looking forward to, um, getting to gather here again with you next week.

Laura: All right. Thanks for the opportunity to be here. We’ll see you soon.