Meet the Peacekeeper: When Keeping the Peace Isn’t Peaceful

Laura: Well, hello, Renae. Welcome back to our ongoing discussions about all of our parts, how they’re working for us and where we might be able to use them more effectively. How are you doing today?

Renae: I’m doing well. I’m excited for this conversation because this one trips me up just a little bit.

Laura: Yeah. Today we’re going to talk about and for the next two episodes after this one total of three, we’re talking about the peacekeeper. So when you hear peacekeeper, tell me what that brings to mind to you. Like what might that look like in your everyday life?

Renae: Well, the term to me immediately I think of a referee.

Laura: Are.

Renae: Like the striped shirt and the whistle and everything like that comes up. And that’s interesting, right? Because that’s not always what the peacekeeper evokes. But for me it is. It’s the kind of like the hold on, hold on. Like they only blow their whistle when they need to make things right. Like, hold on. I gotta, like, we gotta make things right. Um, and, and not in a, in a, necessarily a, a justice way, but kind of in a controlled way. Uh, that’s the part that gets really hard for me, I think.

Laura: Yeah, I, it kind of makes me think about when once, uh, my husband, I don’t really fight that much and we. I honestly really never fight that much now at all. Um, but when we were younger, we did sometimes. And I remember one time our son overhearing us and he was just about four or five years old and he was so upset and he really wanted us to stop yelling at each other and that, that really like, you know, he just wanted there to be peace in his house. Like he didn’t care what the conflict was or thought we resolved it. He just wanted everyone to stop yelling and start having fun again. And I think that’s what that’s what that makes me think about. Like you’re trying to keep the peace at maybe the cost of resolving other things, or at the cost of bringing to light issues that do maybe really need to be resolved.

Renae: Yeah. And I’m not a I’m not a conflict avoidant person. I don’t seek conflict, but I feel like that like conflict is actually where we get to the good stuff where we can. And, um, dig through and let go of the things that are not healthy and are not helpful and are not serving us individually and collectively. And we can’t do that without people wrestling with why they’re holding on to something or fighting for something, and then being able to identify if that’s actually helpful or good or help, you know, like all those things. And so, um, the thing about the peacekeeping is it’s like it’s shutting everything down and, and kind of burying it. Um, and, and not letting any of the things that are important come to the surface. I get that that’s my own lens because again, I’m not conflict avoidant. I don’t see again, I don’t see fights. I don’t like them. It’s not what I want. I don’t want people to go around having ouchy feelings and hurting. Um, and that’s like an important part of how we live together is we want we want to clear the ick out so that we can actually be together in a healthy way. I feel like the peacekeeper doesn’t allow for that.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I feel like the peacekeeper wants I to me, it feels like, you know, the whole iceberg, um, metaphor where it wants everything to be calm on the surface. But really, if you were to dive down underneath that, there’s a lot happening that the peacekeeper is just trying to ignore.

Renae: And keep things on this even keel, right? Like it, it’s like, everything’s fine, everything’s fine. Um, and, and there I get that there’s places for that, right? Um, that we, we, we seek peace, right? We want, we actually want to be at rest. We want stillness. We want. Right. Asked, but at what point is it real and what point is it performative? Like it is a fake it till you make it thing?

Laura: Yeah. Well, I’m also wondering too, when you think about trying to keep the peace. I mean, are there certain people who you don’t want to be in conflict with? So you agree with them and you just like you want that you want that relationship to go well, or you want this situation to be over with, and you’ll just agree to whatever they’re saying because of because of those things. Um, you know, certainly I’ve been in family situations where, you know, it’s kind of sometimes it can feel a little bit like forced togetherness where you have a whole bunch of people coming together just because they’re, quote, family and you know, that’s what you do on whatever, you know, day this is, and I can certainly find myself in those situations just keeping my mouth shut because I just want to get through this without without any conflict and move forward from there.

Renae: Yeah. Um, I’m going to reference a conversation that we had not too long ago about masking.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: And I think this is bringing up for me why, why this part of me? I don’t like showing up sometimes because I do feel like it’s, there’s like a, there’s a difference between creating an environment where people were like, you can say, oh, I can see how people can get, everyone can get their needs met, or we can find a, the medium where it’s, you know, like we actually do feel fine. Um, there’s a difference between that and like shutting down our own needs in order not to bother other people.

Laura: Yeah, yeah. I shutting down our own needs in order not to bother other people. That’s a really interesting right? It’s an interesting thing to think about. I. I know I’ve done that. And I also, um, one it just brings up more clearly to me when I see other people that I love doing that and feeling almost defensive for them to be to I, it makes me want to step in and say, you don’t have to do that. You know what I mean? Like it. It feels like some kind of injustice that they’re just saying that things are okay when they’re not okay. Um, but I’m trying to think of a, of a, of a time when I’ve done that. When you think about when you think about that and we talked about masking And then it also reminds me of fawning like that, like just going, just kind of capitulating to, to keep yourself safe too.

Renae: Yeah. Well, and if you’re, you’re, um, I think that for me, like the fawning feels feels nice to the other person.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: When I capitulate, it does not feel nice to the other person.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: I, I, I have a very particular tone when I say okay.

Laura: Okay. All right. People know you’re not not super okay with it.

Renae: They know I’m not. But I’m also not going to have the conversation anymore. I’m done. I’m out. Whatever.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: There’s no so I think that’s part of it. Like there’s actually, I don’t think either of those those, uh, reactions or defaults are particularly healthy long term. Um, like the, you know, the, the fawning or the capitulation. That’s not nice. Um, both, both, neither of those bring peace.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: They just avoid a conflict.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: But it’s not, maybe not in a healthy way.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I think you said it. Yeah. Well, you said another thing too. Just like like shutting down or stepping back. Zoning out, I think is another interesting thing that maybe that feels like something definitely that I do a lot more often than actively trying to keep peace or saying, I’ll do whatever, just removing myself from whatever it is. And like either being in my own head.

Laura: Or.

Laura: Like physically leaving the area.

Renae: Yeah. Well, and that’s a so it’s so interesting because if we look at fight flight or freeze, um, I categorize fawning in the into freeze, um, is a form of freeze. Um, because you’re, there’s a, this mini dissociation. I want to just be really clear, I’m not a clinician, I am not diagnosing anyone. I am just talking about the things that I have studied and talked to people about and teach about. Okay, okay. Um, but the, the like you’re because you are removing your true self from the situation, you’ve gone into a survival mode. Um, fawning is an active version of that and freeze is an automatic version of that. Yeah. Um, and so fawning can become automatic. Um, but it’s also a learned response, um, versus freezes, you know, fight, flight or freeze are um just reactions. Um, but the, um, when that, that flight piece, sometimes people think that means leaving the room, but it can also be not, not dissociation and disconnecting is just, I’m pulling back from the conversation and I’m shutting down. Mhm. Which is different than dissociation. And so flight can show up that way. Um, and then freeze can be the capitulation. That’s like fine.

Laura: Right.

Renae: Right. So at the, at the heart of this, right. If we’re in a place where our nervous system is activated enough that we’re in fight flight or freeze state, there is no peace.

Laura: Right?

Renae: But it is. But a performative piece can come out of that.

Laura: Yes. Yeah, that’s surface level. Mhm. Um. Ease. Ease of the water. Tension. Right. Not noticing everything circling below.

Renae: Right. So. So I think that’s you know we’re talking about peacekeeper. It is the what’s the what is this right. You know, how is it showing up? What does it look like? I think it’s I think we just figured out in this conversation, which we kind of knew, I think. But it looks different for everybody.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: And it’s different in the situation. And it but the check is can you know are, are you are you really able to show up as a peacekeeper, as your true self? Maybe, maybe. But doesn’t that mean you have to be a little more at peace inside of yourself?

Laura: Mhm. Yeah. Yeah.

Renae: Start with you.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. Right. I mean, I think in other people, um, it can really show up as like people that don’t, people that will, will never express a preference for anything. They’ll just go along with what everyone else is doing because that’s the easiest thing. It can be like you, I’m sure you’ve heard this in a work situation, like go along to get along. Um, and then just doing what other people are asking you to do with immediately, without saying, oh, I, I, I’m going to have to prioritize that maybe above what I need or maybe below what I need. But even just like not even taking the time to think about what those priorities should be, just automatically putting other people’s needs ahead of your own. Yeah, I think can be a form of this peacekeeping part showing up.

Renae: Yeah. And and. You know, it’s so interesting as we look back about all these parts we’ve been talking about, um, this, there’s this common theme of a fear response. Mhm. Bringing up this part. Um, so like, is there’s a fear of if I express a differing opinion or if I show up too much and it disrupts other people’s way of doing things, or if it. So it’s different. It’s not like a, if I get things wrong, it’s, it’s a, I don’t get to take up space with my actual thoughts and feelings.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: In this situation. Right. So that’s the, the part that.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: So it’s, it’s, it’s, yeah, that’s super, that’s super. I, I, I would hate that I hate, I hate that when I, that heart happens to me.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. It’s interesting. Right. And then there’s also the, just like we’ve talked about with all of our parts, there’s this strength to it too. Like if you’re flexible, you’re easygoing, you know, you’re addressing other people’s needs. Like those can be real strengths for you too. I think, I think what we’re saying is at what point are you, are you choosing that? Or are you just automatically doing it without thinking about what you really need?

Renae: Right. Well, yeah, this is a great entry into unpacking this part of ourselves that that will show up for different reasons and different spaces. And, and so, um, where do, where do we go with this? Laura, as we’re starting to unpack, uh, the peacekeeper, what’s our next step?

Laura: Well, we have a micro journey that you can do that is aligned with this episode. That’s just asking you to start taking a look at like, where might you be disappearing in your preferences or whether you’re actively choosing that. And then of course, we always have our full peacekeeper twenty one day journey that you can go on as well.

Renae: Excellent. Well, I’ve of all of the parts we’ve talked about, I feel like this one is it is I think there’s a reason for it is a little nebulous for us.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: How fitting. That we that we did. We didn’t pick a firm lane in a lot of the conversation. But I think that’s because our peacekeeper part, you know, is we’re is we’re sitting in it. It may have a hard time sometimes picking a lane to and having a direction. So here we are embodying this part of ourselves. So thank you for your bravery in, in doing that. Um, and, and bringing yourself to the conversation. Laura.

Laura: Likewise. Renae. Thank you for having me.