The Many Faces of Grief

Renae: Welcome back to It Doesn’t Have to Be This Way. This is Renae checking in with a solo podcast today. And, um, coming back after a little bit of a pause from work. And that’s kind of the topic of discussion today. Um, today we’re going to talk about the many faces of loss and, um, what led us to that spot? So if you’ve been reading anything that I’ve posted lately or the emails, you know that my family has faced some pretty significant Challenges in the month of July in this year, twenty twenty five and in August.

It’s been a little bit of learning how to, I guess, clean up or pick up or reconvene. and it’s just part of being of being human to, Do repair work with yourself after there’s been a disruption. I think often we think about when there’s a disruption in relationship with other people that we’re doing a rupture and repair cycle there, but there’s also this piece of repairing with ourselves. And, um, all of this was very poignant because the theme for August is navigating grief and loss, and that is a theme that I actually selected over a year ago for this month, not knowing anything about how our lives were going to go, but certainly even a year ago, we had entered into a place of loss in a different way. So, um, the reason that this this topic really matters for caregivers and leaders and helping professionals is because we have a lot of opportunities where not only are we serving people who are responding or reacting to their own grief and loss, and we’re helping to bear witness or make a way or validate or co-regulate or whatever it happens to be.

But we also bring our own experiences into the mix. And so this piece of of grief and loss, interestingly enough, in a lot of the spaces where I’ve done trauma informed care work, and we give frameworks and principles for how we respond to people and how we stay mindful. Often this part is missing this part of naming what has happened and talking about the process of telling the full truth about the things that have happened and letting go with compassion, um, and what that means for us and why that’s an essential part of our healing journey. And part of it is that when we think about grieving something, or we think about the idea of someone being bereaved, often that’s the idea that there’s a, um, a major tragedy or a death of death that’s d-e-a-t-h a death of someone. Um, and that is not it’s not limited to that, that it could be things like opportunities that we had hoped for or dreamt for potential.

It could be relationships or friendships that have shifted or changed. It could be when our identity shifts and we are becoming more of ourselves in this world, that we’re uncovering false narratives and stepping into the fullness of who we are, that comes with a loss as well. Um, it could be health changes. There’s there’s all sorts of ways in which we are experiencing a loss of how we understood the world to be, and the coping strategies and the accommodations we’d given ourselves and our advanced strategies for how to how to live in that particular reality come into conflict with the. The change now requires us to react or respond differently.

And the things that we’re helping to keep us safe in our minds or our experience that felt safety either are no longer working or not available to us, or are not effective, or not part of the the new reality. And so it becomes very important for us to think about that every time we have a change. There is some kind of loss, there is some kind of learning a new way to be in that particular reality. And then it has a bit of a cost for us, even if it’s a good change, even if it’s something that’s incredibly positive. Um, at a friend whose daughter just got married recently And it’s beautiful and like.

The pictures were great, the stories were great. And with that comes a shift in the relationship that it’s it’s no longer just a relationship that they have with the daughter. It’s now with their son in law as well. It means that that conversations and decision making and traditions, um, have an additional dynamic and a different energy to them. And so even those traditions or rituals that we might have that help us to claim each other and, and signify belonging, even when there’s a positive change, it affects those.

And we as humans really do like to feel safe. We like to feel that comfort of the expectations and, uh, being met of of knowing what’s going to happen. And that’s, that’s part of our safety And so that’s an important piece, I think, for us to think about in expanding our understanding and definition of grief. Um, also that there’s, uh, this piece about burnout. And when we talk about burnout, as I have said before, burnout is not a weakness or a lack of character.

Burnout is our brain and body telling us that we don’t have the resources to accomplish what it is that we’re trying to put our energy toward. Our energy and attention toward where we are out of resources. We have burned through those resources, which means that we we have a loss of safety. We have a loss of sometimes hope of, of positive, uh, forward or, uh, you know, uh, momentum or feeling like we we know it’s going to come next or that we can see a trajectory. And burnout is also a part of of a form of grief.

If we think about that, it’s our in our, our brain and body saying, I have a loss of this resource that was helping to keep me safe, keep me focused, keep me going on my trajectory, helping me to fulfill my purpose and role in this world. Um, helping to, um, give me satisfaction and contentment. And when I don’t have that there, there is a grieving process that’s happening as well. And so it’s grief is a much broader spectrum for us. And that we we want to think about that.

It’s not, again, not just a death or a major tragedy. Um, but that a a relationship or an understanding of how we get to show up has changed. And when we don’t acknowledge that, we don’t acknowledge that loss. There’s all sorts of ways that it can show up in, in our body or in our relationships, you know, in our in our body, when we don’t have the things that we need or we’re feeling unsafe. Our our body and brain are going to reallocate our resources to help us to, to feel safe, which means we might burn through our resources quicker, means we might be a little more tired, a little more irritable, um, a little more easily, um, emotionally reactive.

Because the things that we would normally have to draw on are being reallocated to help us cope. So we’re coping with whatever the loss is, and it takes the resources that we need to cope with just regular life. Because the truth is, is that there’s a whole lot going on in life. Um, there’s a whole lot of shifting and, um, especially as we head into fall, especially as there are life shifts that happen, especially as relationships change. Um, and also the the UN acknowledged loss shows up in relationships, in resentment and in, in hurt, especially when we don’t feel seen, especially when we are experiencing a pain and it’s not understood by the other parties or or the people who would normally be safe people around us.

Um, sometimes there’s a dismissal, sometimes there’s a a. Push through it kind of mentality or that’s not that big of a deal. And we don’t it’s not really kind to respond to people in that way. Instead, it’s this opportunity to practice acknowledging what is actually happening, acknowledging and being curious, um, about how someone, someone’s experience of life is different than ours, and being compassionate and reminding all of us that the the concept of compassion is to suffer with that we are. We are walking alongside people and making space for their emotional reality.

Which means it. It may not be our emotional reality, but we are holding back our judgment or our, um, our critical approach to say, this is this is what this person is experiencing, and it’s how their brain and body is currently making sense of the reality and, um, how it has meaning. And we can walk with people through that. Um, I think this is actually really important for this season, for parents who also have adult children who are transitioning into other phases of life. I brought up the the wedding before, um, I have to say that my social media feed is flooded right now because I have so many people that I’m connected to that are around the same age as I am, who have adult children who are transitioning to, um, college.

They’re moving into dorms this week or leaving home for the first time. And there’s a lot of the I’m not okay that we’re seeing or the, um, I was watching one person who dropped their kid off at school and came home and saw teacup and just started bawling, seeing their, their, their child’s left over teacup in the kitchen. Um, just the reality is that the dynamic of, of life, that of spending time with that child, with, um, delighting in them with getting to be part of their development and enjoying time with them is that’s changed. And when our when our kiddos go off into the world and develop new relationships or have, um, started finding other attachment figures or um, even, um, sometimes in really painful circumstances that we aren’t expecting we or we lose that same connection. And it’s it’s really it’s really sad.

It’s really painful, even if it’s a good thing. And so the I want to introduce some, some gentle practices that we might use for navigating that loss. So, um, some simple rituals might be. Things that help us to remember hope. Um, it could be planting something. It could be, um, finding something that we can nurture and delight in for the for the time being. Um, it could be writing down your feelings in a letter that you don’t send. It could be journaling.

It could be writing down things in a letter that you do send. It could be sending love notes to people that you are in relationship with, and expressing your gratitude for the connection that you have with them, reminding you that even though one relationship might have changed, it doesn’t mean all of your relationships are are are broken or gone. Uh, could be something simple, like lighting a candle and taking a breath again, expressing gratitude. Now, this isn’t putting a bow on it. This isn’t saying everything’s fine.

It is creating space. to name what was lost. Name what was? What has changed? Name the feelings and then also holding hope or memory for what is currently there that is positive, that is life giving, that is renewing. So even in that loss and that death and that change of whatever the reality was, we want to tell the full truth of that. We aren’t dismissing it, putting a bow on it. Well, at least you have blank blank, blank. Um, that’s not helpful, right?

So instead it is telling that full truth of this. This loss is hard. This is I’m so sad is one of the refrains that I have, um, my poor husband, who has to put up with me, having all of my very deep feelings that when I’m sad, I will literally just say I’m so sad over and over and I just need to express that. Um, it’s part of what me, uh, telling the truth of of having my emotions, of expressing my emotions. This is an important part of my healing, because maybe there wasn’t always space for that in other relationships.

And so there’s that power of naming the loss. And as I’m saying, that I’m that I’m sad and I’m saying it’s okay for me to to feel sad. Something has changed. That means it stops bouncing around in my head as much, and it doesn’t feel like a a secret or that something’s wrong with me, but I’m expressing it and even sharing it. That gives me permission to feel. Without rushing to fix. Because there isn’t a fix for it. There is an acceptance that comes and leaving space for us to get to that acceptance.

So it’s been a tough season. It’s been an incredible amount of of loss and, um, shift of relationships. And I remember even yesterday, um, I went on an errand and I was, I was as I was driving, thinking to myself, my family has changed forever. And it sounds so Dramatic. And it’s also the reality that that our are unit that we made. Almost fifteen years ago is forever changed. And it’s not positive. It’s not there’s there’s not a silver lining or a, a a a hope that things would be better at this point.

There’s, there’s not a road forward for that. It’s just sad and it’s okay. It’s okay for me to say that it’s sad. It’s okay for me to to name that loss. And part of sharing that is so that hopefully if you are in this space, if you’re in that season, if you’ve been experiencing some of that, that you will have Evidence that it’s okay to say that you’re sad and that you’re experiencing this loss, and that you don’t have to put a bow on it or fix it, and that you’re not alone.

So we have a, you know, there’s a couple of resources on the website and in the show notes that will will put um, to to support you. If you’re a person who’s looking for community or, or resources. But most of all, um, I just want to encourage you that your grief is not a weakness. Expressing it is not a weakness. It’s a testament to what mattered. And that you’re a human being and you are wonderful, awesome, amazing human being. So if any of that resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you.

Um, I encourage you to to reach out in any of the channels and thank you for your time today.