You’re Worthy Even If You Don’t Help Today: Letting the Good Helper Rest

Renae: Hi, Laura.

Laura: Hello.

Renae: We started a little bit before we said hello, but the, um, um, how are you?

Laura: I’m great. How are you doing?

Renae: You know, I’m excited for this conversation today. Um, I think that the the, the as we’re walking through these, these parts and exploring how we make friends with these, what people might think of as, like, bad characteristics or, or, you know, parts of ourselves that we would we’d like, want to drastically change that. This this, um, framework we have of becoming an ally and working with and understanding um, has really continued to resonate with me so much, because I’m all about the showing up as your true and authentic self in spaces and places. So I’m really excited for us to talk about these. What what does it look like after, you know, understanding more and experimenting and even some of that repair work that we do with ourselves afterward. So, um, how about you?

Laura: Yeah, I love the idea that, I mean, I think about maximizing all of your strengths, and we can categorize this, you know, these characters as like, a weakness. right? But honestly, it’s not at all. And I love how we are digging into saying, okay, there is this part of me that doesn’t have to, you know, like I’ve been thinking about it as a weakness, but I don’t have to think about it like that. I can actually think about it as a strength and, you know, maximize all that I am.

Renae: Yeah, I, I like that too, because it, I think it speaks to the wholeness of our experience that, um, you know, I know last month we talked about that that failure teaches us things that we can’t learn without coming to the edges of our capacity or our skills or our systems to know what the container is that we’re in, and that when we know what that container is, that gives us a lot more freedom to explore, to try things out, to learn, to to grow and also to collaborate. I think that’s a big part of it too. The more that we know ourselves, the better we are working with others, um, to create beautiful things.

Laura: Yeah. I also when you say wholeness, that reminds me of, um, this idea that we already have everything that we need. Like, we don’t have to be out there searching for a thing to add in, like it’s here. Maybe we’re just not using it to, um, its best advantage. Like, it reminds me of this kind of ridiculous story of when I. So when I was in college, I had my first apartment, and it was in this, you know, super old building. Um, you know how college apartments are not not luxury living. Um, and I it had these beautiful it was very, very old. And so parts of it, even though it hadn’t been well maintained, parts of it were really beautiful. Like it still had a lot of these original wood floors. And I had these like super old radiator heater like that, that radiant like, um, heat that would come off of those metal radiators. And then it had these beautiful old like paneled windows and this ivy covered brick outside. And but the windows were so, um, not insulated. They were so old that in the winter time there’s just like this constant breeze coming in. And I was complaining about it to my boyfriend at the time, who he was a little bit older than me. And so he had lived in some different places and he said, oh, well, why don’t you just put the storm windows down? And I was like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t understand that language. It turns out there were storm windows that were highly insulated, that just had been up when we moved in, and we’d lived there for like a year. And I never we never had pulled storm windows down. And so once we did that, of course, there’s no more breezes of zero degrees in, and I feel like this is what we’re doing, uncovering these these characters that live within us. Like we’ve had storm windows this whole time, and now we’re learning that they’re there and that we can pull them down and that we will be more comfortable once we do that.

Renae: I love that, and that is, um, for people who are living in parts of the country that don’t have storm windows, they are actually a thing.

Laura: Um, people like me that don’t know that they are exist.

Renae: And um, and, uh, there, if you don’t have storm windows, there’s always the cleaning that you can put on to the in with the tape and then tighten with the seal, I guess, with your hairdryer. So, um, for, for people who don’t live where it’s cold, there’s all sorts of things that you have to do, um, in order not to freeze. Um, but even even that is a it’s an adaptability. Right. So you, you’re, you get to a point where you can only cope with something that is interfering with your functioning for so long. And then the, the you start to look for solutions. And, um, you and I have a, um, a shared, uh, mentor who says, you know, we look outward for inspiration, but we look inward for answers. And I think that that’s a lot of what we’re talking about here, too, is that we have we have the wise answers. Unfortunately, we’re in systems and in environments and in a culture that wants to tell us that someone else has the answer, that we, in fact, are not the experts of ourselves, and it’s generally for consumer reasons to help us to purchase something to make us feel better. Right. Um, right. So I mean, and and I know I’m speaking to you as a person who works in advertising, um, and copywriting, but, um, yeah, you can absolutely affirm that there’s that, that concept of, um, exacerbating the pain point of finding the things that makes people feel like they have to have this solution because you’ve highlighted how much, how miserable they actually are. And that that has been a, a, a pretty strong message over the, you know, since the nineteen fifties in the United States, for sure.

Laura: Yeah, absolutely. And it’s interesting too, because that kind of messaging works really well up to a point. And then it doesn’t really get the type of people that you want to work with, or the type of customers that you want to have. And so, um, it can be an interesting thing to observe, you know, as a short term, as a short term strategy. You can, um, attract people by digging into pain points. But as a long term strategy, it is more sustainable for you to actually call in the type of client that you would actually want to work with, which is someone that can do this, kind of that can take responsibility for fixing their pain, and instead of waiting for you to do it well.

Renae: And what I would even say is there’s a, there’s whether it’s transactional or if it’s relationship. And I think that’s part of it is that we, we’re we’re not looking for transactional engagements. Um, you know, you and I and I would say a big swath of people in our age and stage of life are saying like, there’s got we we’ve actually rejected a lot of the money grab and, you know, um, uh, the idea of those who die with the most toys wins type of, you know, framework, but instead it’s the at the end of my life, I, I want to say, yeah, I made an impact and I have I’m surrounded by people that I love and love me and and that’s that’s what’s actually important.

Laura: Yeah. There’s greater rewards than money and things.

Renae: Right. And so, um, there is a piece of that that when we’re talking even about the good helper is that when we’re feel trapped in that framework of I exist to help. It becomes that is a transactional. That’s not a relational engagement. The relational engagement would be I help when I have capacity and I have grace when I don’t have capacity. And, um, and I can count on other people that are going to help me when I don’t have capacity, um, which is not necessarily extended to the good helper, um, often. And part of it, it can be our own creation when we’re in living with that energy is that we we don’t allow people to help us, um, for many, many reasons. Uh, maybe it would feel like we’re devaluing ourselves if other people could help to, um, maybe we need to be the only ones that can help in that way. Um, or maybe we feel like we’ll lose our identity or our role in in a dynamic, but that means then it’s transactional. It’s not relational.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah, I would add like you’re threatening the competency of the helper. If if the helper can’t handle everything, then what is it good for? Yeah, I just think it’s really interesting. Um, you know, as we have worked through this supplementary workbook, how, um, how there’s a lot of grace built in for making small changes and for not just saying, okay, I like because I think a lot of times we’ll understand intellectually what we do and don’t need to do. And we can see from kind of a more scientific place of of how our good helper is, is, um, affecting us and the decisions that it’s going to make. But actually. Making those changes can be a totally different story. And so I mean, maybe talk could you talk to me a little bit about that, about just this idea of small changes and, and this work of integration, how it’s not like tomorrow I’m going to be new and fresh and different, and that’s probably good, right?

Renae: Yeah, absolutely. Well, it and it comes from the understanding that when we. It comes from the understanding that when we make drastic changes in a system, um, the system always one hundred percent will push back so hard that we will probably end up even further back than where we were before we pushed the first time. Um, that we our systems, whether it’s our own Bodies or our families or communities or countries or whatever it is. Um, really like stasis. So even if change is good, change is threatening. Um, and so the, the sustainable changes are bit by bit and piece by piece because you’re allowing for the, the system to get shaken up a little bit and then find a new level of stasis, a new normal, a new way of functioning with that little change. And so part of that is the extending grace to the process and grace to ourselves, because it’s going to take longer than we want. We are in such a, um, instant gratification, immediate delivery. Amazon Prime same day streaming all episodes of Bridgerton season four, uh, that are available in one night Yes, I that’s I raise my hand. I totally did that.

Laura: I was going to say that seems oddly specific to me.

Renae: But like we we we binge, we consume, we want it all and we want it now. And so this patients, this, this, um, piece by piece and then letting it, letting it integrate, letting it change in and ripple throughout the system and waiting for that feedback to come back and say, okay, now I’m ready for my next, my next thing I’m going to change or try, um, we’re not great at that. We’re not great at the at the reflection piece of it. And I think that, you know, part of it is, um, when we’re, when we’re. Making changes. I mean, I don’t know if you ever heard it was said to you. It was certainly said to me at some point that there’s a difference between running from and then running to, and that you want to try to make decisions, um, about what you’re going to do in that running two which is, is more of that abundance, more of that. Um, I have I have choice versus running from, which is I don’t have choice. I’m trying to escape. Um, and one of those, the, the running two, tends to have more of a hopeful, optimistic, um, um, contentment framework. And the running from tends to, and rightly so, come from more of a fear and scarcity basis.

Laura: Um.

Renae: That I don’t I can’t trust, I can’t trust myself. I can’t trust the system. I’m not safe in some respect. And when we when we aren’t able to express ourselves to show up as our true and authentic selves? That doesn’t feel safe. It doesn’t feel safe. And if we if our engagement with other people is reliant on this transactional burying of self in order to be part of the system that doesn’t feel safe, we’ll make we’ll make decisions based on fear and scarcity because we don’t feel safe. And so we’ll, you know, we’ll want the big, the big, you know, two days to a new transformation of, you know, showing up. And I’m going to do all these changes. And that doesn’t that doesn’t actually exist. If we want it to be sustainable, we want it to stick. It’s it’s piece by piece.

Laura: Yeah. And I think you raise a good point too, about, you know, the running two versus running from and and the idea that you, um, that you just or the example that you just brought up, you know, if this is a kind of a transactional relationship, um, when you think about, like, the running to the expansion, I makes me think about, like doing something with the body so I can do some strength building. I can do some, you know, lengthening of my muscles, mobility work. And I might be sore from that. And that’s pain, but that’s the pain that I know. That means it’s working versus I can overdo it and pull a muscle, tear a muscle. And that’s the pain that that is telling me that it’s not working. I’ve pushed myself too hard. So I think that there is also this discernment of like when you are like, let’s say, serving this other person and you’re good helper and your good helper parts, and that is, um, not good for you. Like it’s just this transaction. But then what’s also going to be painful is when you stop doing that and the person’s going to be upset. And I think that’s kind of like the muscle soreness pain that you have to think, okay, it’s if I keep doing this, I’m not going to be sore every time. So if I keep, um, holding boundaries, I’m going to get less pushback as, as this goes forward. So I think that’s a really important area of discernment for people.

Renae: Well, and it’s even taking it from that physical standpoint when I’m, when I’m exercising this muscle and I’m feeling the pain of building that muscle because I’m asking it to do something new over and over again, and it’s having to send more resources there to practice that thing over and over again. But there’s a growth that comes with it and.

Laura: It gets stronger.

Renae: Right? There is no growth without pain. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, everyone.

Laura: It’s just if we can figure that out. I mean, stay tuned, guys. But so far, we don’t. We don’t have the answer for that.

Renae: And I and I actually, you know, I’m I’ve come. I’m at peace. I’m actually at peace with that. You know, my prayer often when I’m trying to work through a difficult time in, in some area, as I will say, God, please help me learn this lesson, but could as gentle as possible, please, because I’ve had a lot of the really painful, terrible. And I’m just I’m feeling just a little fragile right now. So if I could have this lesson, but not too painful, that would be super cool. Um.

Laura: I always say like, help keep me, help me understand.

Laura: The, um.

Laura: The lesson before it has to get too painful.

Renae: Right. And so but but notice in both of those it’s it’s not painless, and I think that it speaks to the just it’s the reality. It’s the reality of our physical world. There is no birth without pain. There is no growth without pain. There has to be some death of something, some release of something, something that is that goes away and is no longer the reality in order for there to be the growth. And I’m, I think in that, that there’s I think even another level in doing nothing is always a choice. Like that’s always an option. And what happens when we do nothing in the physical world is that we start to atrophy. Um, and then when we need to function, just normally we don’t have the muscle mass, we don’t have the muscle memory, we don’t have the resources in place to do the normal functioning. And I think that’s a part of, um, the awareness that there’s there’s also if we if we say things are fine just the way they are. Um, and there are periods where we shouldn’t like, we like if we don’t have capacity, we don’t have the resources. Like, yeah, this is that is not the time to be like, I’m going to go on a growth journey. You know what? Maybe, maybe pause. Maybe pause.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. It feels like in that in that scenario you kind of already on one.

Renae: Right, right. So so there is that discernment of what where what’s going to be. Um, I’ve tried, you know, I’m trying these experiments. I’m trying these little things. I’m noticing the shifts in the system. Um, and which things are. It may be scary. Change is scary. And if you feel the relief of not having to hold yourself back, of not having to hold yourself to a container or or stop existing in order to belong. That just like think about that. To stop existing, in order to belong. If that resonates with you, then then that is a great indication that you’re looking for relief from that stricture, right? You want to you want to show up. And so part of that comes with, um, practicing it with yourself, like giving yourself compassion and understanding that the, this, this really strong container, some of it’s you and some of it’s the, the system that you’re in. And so it’s identifying what what can shift here. You know, what are my experiments helping me to know. Is it the environment? Is it the relationship? Is it my own beliefs about what I value? And then leaning into the okay, what what part of my good helper is supporting me? What part of my good helper could help me? Like, what if I showed up for myself? I think that’s a really strong, correct question that helps with the repair. Is is standing in the I’m worthy of that care too?

Laura: Yeah, yeah. I’m so good at helping. This part of me is so good at helping. I can also help myself. I love that a lot.

Renae: Right?

Laura: The people that I know in my life that have this good helper part that can sometimes run away, that can sometimes run away with them, I, I would I am going to really, absolutely pose that question to them. Like you, you can help everyone and you can also help yourself.

Renae: Right?

Laura: Because you’re really powerful in that way.

Renae: Right? I like and I love that you use that word like this is a this is there is power in this and not power over it’s power with yourself. Right. It’s the it is your as you’re uncovering the the truest parts of helper is empathy and compassion and and thoughtfulness.

Laura: They’re all like the greatest traits. Wonderful traits.

Renae: Wonderful traits. And if you’re a person who for whom this part is really strong, whether it’s now or in the future or it has been in the past, um, it’s going to sound so selfish when I say this, But, you know, you you it’s really important for you to have that before you think about giving it to others. And even if you never gave it to others another single day in your life, you are worthy of all of it. You’re worthy of all of it, even if you never helped anyone ever again. Because that’s not the full truth of you.

Laura: Right? That’s not a measure of your value.

Renae: Right? So, um, I think that the, um, you know, taking taking a look at what limits and boundaries can you put around a container so that it’s you deciding what your container is and not having it default to what works in a transactional engagement.

Laura: The container is a home and not a prison.

Renae: Oh, I like that. I like it, right. Um, because remembering that, you know, boundaries are for us. Requests are for other people. But boundaries are are things that we put in place to say, in order for me to make a choice about what I’m protecting versus a default or a default protection response, um, or stress response or whatever, however it might show up for you, um, that you do have choice. You do have, uh, agency and, and then these little if you don’t feel like you do. That’s where these little experiments and doing them over and over again of creating and trying those trying those boundaries out, trying those choices out and that you don’t have it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing, you know, feast or famine and helping. Yeah. Right.

Laura: Yeah, absolutely. You could always go back to the exactly the way things are. I think once you experiment, you might find that you prefer a different way, but it’s not. Nothing’s permanent.

Renae: Yeah. Well that’s I think that’s part is what’s hard for people to. It’s hard for me. Um, right. There’s a, a a place that I’m in one of my journaling exercises that the question comes up at least once a week of, um, what what are you learning to be patient with? And in, in often my response to that is that this process takes so long.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I when I was, um, a new mother, I had my son was I think he was maybe like five or six weeks and he had colic so bad and I never slept. And it was just a really trying time of my life. And I remember reading a book that said, oh, you know, if if your baby has colic, it’ll go away by about the twelve week mark. And I remember it was like probably like three a m, you know, and I was just like, how I cannot live like this for seven more weeks. And, and I was sharing that with my mother in law and she said, oh, all little babies grow up, all babies grow up. And it didn’t really feel like it was real, but I knew it was. And that I, I think of that over and over. Anytime you’re in like a season that feels difficult where you’re needing some patience. I always remember to myself, all babies grow up, you know, time passes, things will change.

Renae: And I want to make a note for people who’ve experienced trauma that that does not feel real. What we just said of it’s not forever. It’s just for now. It’s not going to end the the the narrative. One of the lies of trauma is it is never going to end. It’s always going to be this way. You are always going to be miserable and suffering. And so I, I just want to speak to that for a moment to say that if you are currently in a place where you are healing from trauma or you’re experiencing a lack of safety, that this is this whole conversation that we’re having right now is a future conversation. Um, and there’s nothing wrong with you that you can’t feel the truth in what we’re saying yet that it’s not resonating, that it that there there is there are seasons because we know that when you’re overwhelmed with that trauma response or that lack of safety, um, it, it that’s part of it is that you feel that there’s no agency. It’s your fault. You you know, you you caused it. Um, and it’s never going to end. And and that’s part of why we do this work, is to help scaffold people and, and help them to, um, strengthen so that when they are, um, experiencing those, those moments, those, those adversities, those tough times that there’s, um, resources to draw on. So as we’re strengthening our parts, it is to, to also, like I said, strengthening. Right? I didn’t say get rid of the good helper. We’re not getting rid of the perfectionist. We’re saying we’re strengthening them in the parts of the in the, the characteristics of them that are a good part for us as humans. Right? The celebrating, the the things that are helping us to function, that are helping us to bring our full and authentic selves. So just wanted to to name that for for people who might be having a different season right now. So, Laura, um, as we head into this, this at the end of this series for The Good Helper, I’d love to hear from you. Um, what is what is something that has really resonated with you through this, uh, twenty one day experiment?

Laura: I think that’s that’s a question. I don’t know. You might have to cut out this pause while I think about that. One thing that has been interesting to me is thinking about. The good helpers in my life and how and and it gives me a new perspective on them as far as this helping being part of their identity, this helping being a thing that is there, like self-soothing technique, the thing that makes them feel safe because it’s so different from my own. And I can often be impatient and say, why did you say yes to that? Why don’t you accept help? and I get frustrated with those good helpers in my life. And, um, this has really given me a good way to think about, like, this is what someone’s doing to keep themselves safe. This is what someone’s doing to, you know, help prove their, their own value. And that I can relate to because I have those behaviors that aren’t the good helper behaviors, but the things that I default to, to soothe myself, to feel like I have some value. And so that’s what I’ve really enjoyed about this good helper, um, path specifically.

Renae: Awesome. Yeah, I, I think for me, it’s definitely been the, um, revisiting the framework of where is this coming from? Like where this does need to help. Is it coming from a place of capacity or a place of survival, of abundance or Scarcity is this relational or transactional? And that helps me to sort of my litmus test for what’s the wise thing. And it’s it’s not always the, you know, it’s often a both and. Um, and so it could be a mix of different things, but it’s the awareness of it. So I’d prefer to make a choice than just have a default. Um, and this is a place in which, um, that there have been a lot of defaults because of all sorts of things, um, programming expectations, all that stuff. So, um, I’m really glad that we had the opportunity to, to wrestle with this one. Um, it’s it’s pretty meaty for sure. Um, and if you have wanted to go on that deeper journey, um, we invite you to go ahead and, um, either access one of those free micro journeys through for one of the the weeks we have three of those or you know, go full twenty one day um experiment um and download that workbook. So, um, thanks, Laura, so much for being a person that we could have these, you know, I get to have these honest conversations that we then share with the world. It’s wild.

Laura: Yeah. It’s great to be here.

Renae: Awesome. Thanks. Awesome.