You Aren’t Meant to Carry It All: The Good Helper + Compassion Fatigue

Renae: So Laura, thanks for. Having a conversation, uh, today with me about this good helper part. Thank you for being here.

Laura: Yeah, it’s nice to be here. Um, I would love it if you would tell. Like, in some previous discussions, you and I had talked about. Kind of like, what is the good helper? So maybe if you could start off by, like, framing that out, what you mean by that and, um, like how that shows up.

Renae: Yeah. You know, the we as humans in generally we want to be if we’re having an altruistic or a contribution to society, what does that look like, conversation with ourselves or with others? The word help comes up like the we’re that we’re helping that we want to. We want to be available to support people and that hopefully what we’re doing is helpful. Right. You might you might say that phrase and whether you’re caring for somebody. Um, that you just met on the street that needs help or you’re caring for someone. Who you know very well, um, you’re you’re giving of yourself to support them in whatever distress that they’re in and you’re helping them. Um, this is part of that interconnectedness that we all have that that maybe our culture doesn’t lean into a whole lot because we want, you know, it says we need to be independent, but instead we’re interdependent. And in that the role of of helper, um, anybody can be a helper. The good helper is the, the person, um, or the part of us that um, that that role Where we it it almost becomes our sole or most important identity in some of our relationships, if not all of our relationships. And so the the good helper is the the one who never needs help themselves. Um, is in fiercely independent um is is constantly there, is seeking to know how and who’s going to need what, what accommodations need to happen. Very, very thoughtful. Um, but also maybe slightly exhausted because the the thinking is often, um, external. It is. We’re, um. Anticipating and proactive and then also very responsive, maybe sometimes reactive when you run out of resources. But there’s a there’s a role that you either by default or by system design or for whatever reason, um, that’s that’s your identity. And it feels very, very hard to break free from.

Laura: Yeah. So this person is kind of like when they’re when they’re assuming the role of the good helper, they’re the like the mom of the group who, like, always has everything in their purse for you, like a band aid or a chapstick or whatever. Like they’re the person that is always wondering how you are when something bad happens or you know this person that is always kind of externally facing, I would say, right, like has has a pulse on what everyone else’s thoughts and feelings are and are trying sometimes to manage those to make sure that everyone’s doing okay?

Renae: Yeah. And and there, there are people for whom like, this is pretty typified. And then all of us have this part, too, whether it is learned from a trauma response, whether it’s learned from survival, whether it is learned as part of your family dynamic. I mean, there’s a actually quite a, um, a few cultures in which the even the concept of the role of good daughter is, is pretty large. Um, and that like, that’s it’s your job is to be a good daughter and to be a good daughter means that you you are really just falling in, in line with care for the rest of the family. Um, at the expense of your own self. And so I think how that comes out for us universally, that us, that all of us have this good helper part is when we, um, are helping um in a way that. Doesn’t allow us to actually be ourselves.

Laura: Right. Yeah. It’s interesting. So just backing up just a little bit when you talk about it being like a safety response, I have a good friend who is kind of typifies this good helper role and finds herself in that a lot. And I know from conversations with her that she grew up in a family that was a somewhat, um, challenging. And her mom, as she was growing up, drank a lot. And her dad, even though and I mean, even even though that both of these people loved their children very much, they were, of course, a product of their own upbringing. And so, um, her dad, um, I think her mom was really jealous of her dad because her dad was very charismatic and he was the one that everyone always liked. And so then anyone who her dad liked, um, her mother kind of was jealous of too. So. And so that was, you know, this friend was the good daughter was the first daughter. And so I, I’m sure that what happened is she felt like she had to be good all the time. She had to manage her three younger, um, brothers and sisters to make sure that everyone was being good and that, you know, and she had to have a constant vigilance for what was what everyone else’s thoughts and feelings were. So then that became protective. And not only did she need to manage that, she needed to proactively make sure that things were in place so that nothing, you know, volatile would happen. And so I can really see as you describe that, like how that might have really served this person as she was growing up. And, you know, once, once she identified herself into this role, like, can, you know, continues it to this day.

Renae: Absolutely. And the the other piece of it, too, is like, if we just go way back in humanity and thinking about when we were a little bit less developed, um, the you’re, you’re involvement in your clan or your tribe or your group or your cave or whatever it happened to be, um, required you to be a contributing member. Like, if they if you weren’t helping everyone survive and thrive, there was no use for you. And so there is also this this need to be needed as part of a system. And I think that what happens and that’s and that’s I mean we are interconnected. We do need each other. It’s okay for us to need each other. It’s okay for us to have needs, all of those things. Um, and it when it becomes at the, at the cost of our true selves is where I think it gets a little out of whack. I think that’s where we get into, um, a little bit more, um, codependency. Maybe. Maybe we get into a little more, um, uh, we grow resentment because it’s not the full truth of who we are. It is. It is a a function, maybe instead of identity, but it’s it it becomes really hard to break out of that. And, um, I’ve worked with a, I mean, I work with helping professions all of the time. And part of why people are in helping professions or are helpers. Um, comes from the experience of them not receiving help when they needed it. And so they want to in the world be be that help. Right. Um, and also comes with a little bit of distress that anyone else is going to be able to help in the same way. Um, so it starts to kind of like feed on itself of this, uh, you know, no one, no one else gets me. No one else does like I do. No one else can help. No one’s going to step forward. And it becomes this exhaustive, exhaustive loop that’s really hard and is when we start to look for balance as, um, when we’ve been in the role of good helper, we just want to get balance. It throws the entire system off because they’re used to us being in that role too.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. It’s interesting, I think that interesting dichotomy of I want to I want to be helpful. But now I’m starting to resent the people that I’m helping, and I, I want to I, I’m so overextended and I’m so tired, but I feel guilty to stop doing. Um, and so there’s, I think, all these conflicting emotions that are coming up for people, um, when they’ve been assuming this role for a long time. And I certainly have seen that play out in the people that I know. Um, who who just are you know, what you were just saying is, I, I do all this for everyone. I anticipate everyone’s needs. I’m there when everyone needs it. Why isn’t somebody doing that for me and and not knowing or, you know, at a certain point, not understanding, like when they’re in the worst state of this, not understanding that other people aren’t wired that way to to, um, just anticipate your needs and that that you might have to be a little bit more proactive about asking for what you need. But I think that’s really hard for that person, because why should they do that? They’ve never had to do that for other people, you know what I mean? Like, other people don’t need to do that. They already know. And so just this assumption that other people should know what they need to.

Renae: Yeah. Well, and I think there’s, um. There’s, there’s a piece of this too, that, um, I think all of us, when we have our needs met and we know who we are. Right? So we’re not distracted by trying to figure out who we are. Um, and we have our we have our needs met. So we’re not trying to get food, water, clothing, purpose, shelter, you know, all those different types of things. And we’re like feeling safe and and secure enough that we naturally want to help. Like there’s this really cool thing that happens where our head snaps up and we’re like, okay, we’re good. What’s going on outside of me? And we we look up and we say, oh, there’s someone in distress. Well, do I have I have enough resources. I’m going to help. Um, and that may be a conscious thought process, and it may be an automatic thought process. Um, where or not even a thought process, but an automatic response. Um, but it’s when it’s a reaction and there’s not a mindfulness that I think that we then we’re going to run into a little bit of trouble because you’re going to, um, that helper part of you won’t know where you end. And so you’ll run out of resources for internally before the process is done. And that’s where we get into the the burnout. That’s where we get into the compassion fatigue. That’s where we get into resentment and it stops being healthy. Healthy part of us. Um, at that point.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. And I think to helping, just as you’re saying like to everybody helping people feels good. Right. And so you when you’re a helper, like when, when that’s a big focus of yours, then that’s how you’re kind of trained to make yourself feel good. And so then when you don’t feel good, maybe the answer is helping more. And what you don’t realize is that’s kind of a vicious cycle, right? Like you’re saying like you’re depleting your own resources to be helpful and which is really counterproductive at the end of the day.

Renae: Well, it leads you into a scarcity mindset, right? So and it’s not even I’m not gonna say mindset. That’s not right. Um, I heard someone use the phrase scarcity trauma. And I actually really appreciate that, that there is a, a visceral fear response that we can’t even it’s not a mindset. It’s not a it’s something that we can shift or think differently about. The the evidence of our life has taught us by our experiences that there isn’t enough, that we’re not, that we might not be okay, and therefore the brain and body is going to protect itself any way possible. And that means that that, um, people who need help are a threat. They’re a threat to you. Which explains part of why people shut off, why they numb, why they disconnect, why they turn off their mirror neurons and and become complacent or apathetic or dismissive. And so you can hear, I’m I’m trying to create compassion points for people who are like, I’m not a helper or I, you know, or if we look at someone say they’re not very helpful or they would they’re not anticipating needs. Well, there’s there’s probably Either. That hasn’t been part of how the brain was mentored, as we’ve said before, or because of survival in their history or their family’s history, because of epigenetics, that has had to be turned off in some ways. The good news being, we can turn we can turn that healthy pattern back on.

Laura: Right? Yeah. So when we think about like just bringing awareness to that, and I know that, you know, as you and I have developed our accompanying workbook for this, you know, the good helper, like that’s kind of the first phase like awareness. So how does that start to look. How do we bring how do we know that this is happening at all and start to come out of this cycle a little bit?

Renae: I think that, um, you know, for me, the A test has been when I see the phone ring, or I see an email message or a text, or someone walks into my periphery. If I can feel that, my body’s like, ah, what do they need? Then I yeah, I’m having this awareness that I’m my my helper is not healthy at the moment. Um, either. Either either I don’t have what I need or I don’t have the resources set up in order to meet this this need for the person, whether it’s because they have more needs than I can handle, uh, or meat that I can meet myself, not handles. Not the right word, but that I can meet myself. They need additional resources. Um, or they’re there. It’s just telling me that there’s an there’s an imbalance and that the I have fallen into the I’m helping because it’s expected, not because it’s exactly. It’s actually the right thing for me right now. I think that’s the there’s the is this is this actually good for both of us? If I’m helping out of scarcity or obligation versus health and expansion, then it’s not it’s not going to be good for either of us.

Laura: Yeah. And I think that body compass is a really powerful thing that you bring up, you know, like, what does that feel like in your body when you get one of those requests or like maybe that’s that’s the test for you, right. Like, does this feel does this make me feel lean in and get excited, or does this make me feel like I’m weighed down and I don’t want to do it?

Renae: Well, absolutely. Like I, I was in having a conversation yesterday, um, and talking about how to, um, support people in, um, this, this, uh, trauma informed curriculum. And it’s a it’s going to be free, it’s going to be widely available. And it’s it’s the question of how do we help people to access this? And, um, you know, we’re looking at it and saying, oh, it’s a no brainer. Of course everybody would want this. Why would you not want this? Um, this is an amazing thing that’s going to be offered for free for you. Why? Why would you not? And, um, I think going to the question of, well, what will that training help people do? Well, it’ll help them to support people in a trauma informed way so that they won’t bring harm to themselves or others. What need does that meet? The reason people don’t help is because they’re scared of bringing harm to themselves or others. Right. So you’re what you’re doing is just dispelling a little bit of the, the fear of, of um, am I, am I resourced myself to be able to do this where I. I’m not going to die. I’m not going to hurt them or myself. Right. Um, and, and and if we are feeling that that level of scarcity or that level of fear, um, it may be pointing toward, um, burnt, may be pointing to burnout, it may be pointing to compassion fatigue. Um, that’s that’s a real, actual medical thing. Um, is when we don’t wear our we do shut down because we can no longer engage. Um, and if we push so hard on our helper part to say we have to do this because it’s it’s who we are, it’s what’s expected. I, I’ve heard people say, well, I don’t know who I am if I’m not a helper.

Laura: Um.

Renae: Um, and so that awareness of if you, if you If someone came up to you and said, you, you never have to help another person in in your in your life again. What would that what would that feel like? What would you think? And what would you feel? You feeling relief. You feeling sadness. You feeling insecurity because you don’t know who you are. And there’s no value judgment to any of that. It’s just again, an awareness of what does that mean?

Laura: Yeah, really powerful question, I think.

Renae: So how about you, Laura? If someone said to you you never have to help another person, you’re done. You don’t have to help anybody else ever.

Laura: I wouldn’t, you know, I never feel like I have to help people. So I would say that in this, um, you know, as far as being a helper, I am pretty good at having boundaries and don’t necessarily feel burdened when someone asks me for help, because I also feel okay saying I don’t have the time for that right now. Or, you know, giving them an alternative. Um, so if I were to answer that question at this point, I would say, oh, that’s kind of too bad, you know, because there are people that I enjoy helping and that brings me a lot of joy. So, um, yeah, you know, I, I’m also thinking about compassion fatigue, and I hadn’t really thought of it before you, before you brought it up. But I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this on the podcast before. Um, if you’ve listened before, but my father in law has dementia, and so my husband has been taking care of him. Um, and, you know, for a while it was literally going and making sure he had on clean clothes and making him lunch and, and I, you know, help as I can. But my husband certainly was doing the lion’s share of that. And even now, when he’s in a facility. Um, my husband’s still the one that is making sure that, you know, he has glasses that are fit, correct on his face or, you know, like he’s the one doing this kind of management outside of what the people at the facility are doing. And he really has had I, you know, compassion like caregiver burnout, I guess is is what we’re, we’re calling it. And, um, and for him, I think it was the reason that he is doing it is almost like he feels like it’s the right thing to do. It has to get done, and he has to be the one to do it. And so it’s been a process for him, even as we were, you know, as he and his brother were evaluating care facilities. Um, I think that was just even difficult for him to let go of the idea that he had to be the one there, doing everything and making sure that everything was managed for his dad like that. He. I think it was difficult for him to give up a little bit of that control. I don’t know, but, you know, like giving over some of that helpfulness to someone else. And even even though he’s been somewhat relieved of the burden of that day to day care, it’s still been a process for him to feel okay about that.

Renae: Yeah. And that’s I think that’s such a perfect example because the the question that came to my mind is who, who or what told him the story that he had to be the one.

Laura: Yeah, that’s a good question. Right.

Renae: And and that’s, that’s part of our awareness too, of how did if if we’re feeling this, um, this helper part very strongly. Um, that’s saying oh, but I but I have to do this. I’ve got to um, I do also know that there have been times I have had so many relationships in which I recognized that I was just I’m meeting a need for someone, and it’s it really is one way. And then if I don’t, if I stop, if I stop, there’s not really a relationship there. And so I think that that becomes a well then what is my purpose? Like what what is my purpose is my purpose just to give. And then I you know, you know. Right. So you go down all these different roads of um, what is that come from. And I know that my own, my own, um, uh, faith background definitely leans into, um, that, you know, helping is part of your job in any role, you know, in any, any space that you’re in. Um, and so there are times that I even have to test and say, is this mine? Is this actually mine or is or, um, is this an opportunity for me to connect this person to someone who can meet their need in a better way? Um, it doesn’t have to be me. Um, and I can be part of their story, but it’s. It doesn’t have to be me. Um, I’m not going to leave them in distress in general unless I’m also in distress. Yeah. And at which point I’m not going to be helpful. It’s not. It’s going to do more harm than it’s going to do good. So, um, that that’s but that’s a whole other conversation.

Laura: Right? So I think this first phase, you know, asking questions like this, being aware, bringing awareness to it, if you want some assistance on that journey. I know we have, um, a micro like this first phase, a micro, um, journey that you can take around awareness. And then if you want to go deeper, we have our full workbook and we’ll talk, I think next week, um, or in our next episode about exploring boundaries and permissions and, um, and then we’ll wrap it up with finding ways to navigate all of that.

Renae: Absolutely. Well, thanks so much, Laura. It’s always fun to to talk through these things with you.

Laura: Same here. See you next time.