You’re Not For Everyone – And That’s Okay

Renae: Yeah. So here’s what I have narrowed down in. And this is maybe, probably what we could talk about, actually, is that the, um. The scattershot business model or way of communicating that says we want to be palatable for everyone, right? Like, we got to get the message really far and wide is a little, to me, shade of like a colonization piece in that it is we have a message everybody needs to hear. And that’s not like. Maybe, but maybe you’re not the one. Maybe it’s like many people having a message. Like if you’re thinking about a message of hope or love, one person can’t hold all that, one entity can’t hold all of that. It’s many people who are communicating a message of love. And that builds the neural pathway of experience that helps a person understand what love is, right? So if you’re saying. But if we if we, we have to communicate in this way so that it’s a, it’s a broad, broad message. I think that that’s part of the, the pushback of actually niching your like understanding what it is that you’re doing in this world and what you’re what your message or purpose is, and then saying it’s okay if not everybody understands that or likes that or receives that, or wants to be in that audience. Because I’m not saying this is for everybody. I’m not for everybody. And that’s okay. No, I’m I’m kind to everybody as much as I can possibly be. I’ve unconditional positive regard for people as much as I possibly can be. But my message is not for everybody.

Laura: Right. I would say I have a couple responses to that. And the first is just from a purely marketing and branding perspective. When you I mean, it’s just like the oldest marketing adage, like when you’re communicating to everyone, you’re communicating to no one because a vanilla message, it just doesn’t capture people’s attention with all of the messages that people are getting today. So I think that from a purely business standpoint of cutting through to find the people that are going to be most interested in your work, it’s the smartest thing you can do to be specific about your messaging and not try to cater to everyone. So that’s interesting to me. I and then I also think, you know, just to further your point that the people that are going to do, especially your work, everyone’s work, but your work in particular is work that has so much power that you need. You don’t just want, you need people that are going to be ready, willing and able to do that work. And

Renae: Right?

Laura: so having some people that are lukewarm about it, it’s just not that helpful for the work. And that’s like you said, there’s nothing wrong with those people. That’s just not their work right now. And that’s fine. But they don’t need to be in this room.

Renae: Right.

Laura: Maybe in another time when they’re more motivated to do this kind of

Renae: Right.

Laura: work. They can come whenever they’re ready. But right now, if it’s not their work, fine. We’re here to do it.

Renae: And it’s not to exclude. It’s not that I’m saying you can’t be here

Laura: Nope.

Renae: at all. It’s that people self-select. And I think that the other piece of it is they may have that work to do, and it may not be with me. And that’s got to be okay. I think that that’s a part of this. Um, you know, when I, when I’ve had different levels of business coaching or attended seminars or that type of thing going into this solopreneur space, this competitive, you know, you have to have your, your yes, you have to have differentiation because people need to know why you. But it doesn’t mean that someone else’s work isn’t valuable. It just means it’s people finding the ones that they align with. And if they don’t align with me and they align with someone else, that’s okay, right? Like, it can’t be about my ego in this. If I actually really care about the transformation of people, if I care about people healing, if I care about people being able to step into the truth of who they are and to live lives of peace and alignment and abundance, then. I can’t. I can’t think that I hold all of that. And I think that’s again, it’s different than what in business school, it’s like you need to crush the competition, competitive edge and all those types of things. I’m like. I get that if if making money, if the cash grab is your, you know, and having a business that’s making a crap ton of money. Sure. Absolutely, absolutely. And also that’s that’s not what I’m about. And that’s not that’s not what a lot of the I would say, people especially who’ve left the traditional workforce model in the last five years and who are really actually working on making the world a better place. That’s not what they’re about.

Laura: Yeah, I agree with that. I mean, I also even think like if you have a for profit business, you don’t you’re what’s going to serve your business best isn’t thinking of ways that you can crush the competition, is thinking of ways that you can serve your best customer better. And

Renae: Right?

Laura: that’s going to give you a competitive advantage without you having to get

Renae: Right.

Laura: competitive.

Renae: Right. And I think that I remember an early conversation that you and I had about, um. When we were talking about, like, the, our goals in this world and, and I actually had said, like, I actually do want to make the world a better place. Like that. That is actually my goal. Um, and, I don’t know, maybe it’s part of camping. Leave it better than you found it type of thing. But, um, and at that time, you had said, I’m not so sure that’s what mine is. But then we went through and talked about it. And at the at the end of the day, it actually is at the heart of it. And so I’ve been asking people that question as I’m meeting them. And we’re like sitting down and getting to know each other. And I’m just like, go right for it. I’m like, so how do you want to make the world a better place?

Laura: It’s so funny. It’s still not really like when I think about, like, making the world a better place. To me, that does not get me that excited. Um, but when and I’m sure this is what we came to when we were talking about it, like, if I think, like, I’m going to help Renae, you know, do whatever she wants to do better, I’m helping her, making her, you know, furthering her work or helping her be happier or whatever. Like that does get me excited. And honestly, you know, like, what is the world but a bunch of Renae’s, you know, like, so when you say the world, it is just a bunch of individuals. Um, but

Renae: Right.

Laura: it’s funny how we have to frame that differently for each. I mean, not just even me and you. just everybody. Like, what’s the

Renae: Right.

Laura: framing around that that makes that, um, exciting to you?

Renae: And I and I do think there’s, um. I do think that that question of legacy is really interesting, too, in that what would we think about what we’re building? And I’m fully aware that there’s a piece of the business that I’m building that when I’m gone, it goes, it goes with me, and that’s and that’s fine. Um, and I remember working with someone who said, um, well, your goal is to build a business and then sell it right when you want to retire. And I was like, uh, no.

Laura: Right.

Renae: Never occurred to me. Never once.

Laura: There’s just so many nuanced questions that I feel like we don’t even ask ourselves. I know this is a little bit different, but like, just, you know, like people make assumptions about what they’re doing here and then they kind of apply that to everybody else. And then maybe if they even examined that, maybe that’s not what they want to do either.

Renae: Right? Yeah. And so what the. You know, my when I’m thinking about I mean, I have, I have two businesses, right. So one is the social enterprise that and that one I look at that and I’m like, that’s for sure a legacy. But it’s meant to it’s I’m not meant to hold the whole thing up. It in its full form. It’s meant to continue on. As you know, the member owners do

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: the work. And so it you know, at a certain point it won’t need me and that’s fine. That’s why my name’s not in the title. And, and then as far as the, you know, the renamed Side of things. Um, it’s. When I get to travel with somebody and they start to question things and realize something about themselves or go, oh my gosh. And something, something like lines up for them in a way that lets them access a part of themselves that that had been there had been a barrier. Um, that’s that’s enough of a legacy. And I don’t even need to have my name attached to it. But it is it does make the world a better place, because in that moment, it’s the the beat of their heart and the thrumming of their brain and the movement of their body is louder than other messaging in the world. And then we can actually, like, do something. Then we can have something that’s beautiful.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah, it’s this legacy question. It’s interesting to me to think about, um, you know, like, what do you want to leave behind? What do you and how how often have we really sat and thought about that? I mean, that was an exercise that I did a while ago. I don’t even remember what book it was, to be honest with you, but the book was just like, how do you want to be known? Like you personally, like, not your business. And like to me, like my business is a reflection of me. So it kind of trickles down in that way. But, um, you know, like, who do you want to be and how do you want to be known? What what sorts of things do you want to do? And I flushed all that out once, and I honestly look at it all the time, just as kind of like a check in of like, am I doing this? I’m. Is this who, um, you know, am I living out what I want to do right now. And so if people haven’t done that, I would really recommend that. It’s a really good like just like a gut check for yourself to be like,

Renae: Yeah.

Laura: is is this in alignment with who I want to be?

Renae: And I think that alignment word is so important. Um, I, you know, we’ve talked about it in, um, the yoga space of the alignment. And when we’re thinking about it’s not just our, our posture or our joints, but that, that that means that nothing’s getting in the way of our personal system and our external system working because we can access all the resources that we need to. Right. And so I can bring my compassion and I can bring my curiosity, and I can bring my creativity and my sense of humor to a situation because nothing’s distracting me so much that I can’t access it. Right. And that, to me, is a fuller life. Like, I want to live a full life. I want other people to live a full life. Right? I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

Laura: Now. I totally agree with that. I think it’s it’s an interesting that you say that like, am I like I was in when I was just now talking about it. I was like, okay, like, is this thing I’m about to do in alignment? But then what you said was like, I want to be in a place where I can already do that stuff. And it just reminded me of situations I’ve been in where I was just acting like a shadow of myself and like knowing it wasn’t right, knowing that I was

Renae: Um.

Laura: like, I’m still like I’m trying to let it go, but like, I’m still carrying shame around how I treated

Renae: Oh.

Laura: some people during that time in my life when I was just in a bad work situation. Um, and that just like I can look back at it now and like, that just was not me at all. And what

Renae: Yeah.

Laura: a great indicator Hater that I wasn’t in a place that was

Renae: Right?

Laura: aligned with who I was, because it wasn’t

Renae: Yeah.

Laura: allowing me to bring all of those best qualities that I have, or in values that are important to me into that situation.

Renae: And I think about conversations where I’ve had with people where they say, well, that’s an ideal. That’s like a perfectionist thing. It makes me so sad because when you when you’re in that space, when you’re working and living in that space, it’s not an it is an actual it’s not an ideal, it’s not a projection. It’s. And then you miss it when it’s not there, when you’re like, I am out of whack. I am not living into my purpose. I’m not, you know, and you know, I do the heart, mind, body, soul. And and I check for my alignment on those things daily because I want to be able to show up. And I know by the end of that check in if I’m going to have trouble that day like

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: somebody called it. If you’re going to have a potato day, which was for ADHD, but they’re like, you just got to be okay with potato days when you’re just gonna potato and you can’t do much else. And I was like, whoa, whoa. The idea that, like, I just got a potato today.

Laura: I think that self acceptance of being like this is the situation today.

Renae: Because if you try to force yourself to be other than what you are, then this is where we have those painful moments, and we feel so much scarcity and we feel fear and we feel frustration and anger. And so then that comes out on other people, right? Like in the situations that both you and I have had when we’ve tried to force ourselves into a mold that we that either in an environment or role or a situation that doesn’t actually align with where our values are and our purpose is. Um, then it is the worst of us that comes out because it’s fear based. It’s it’s angry. Um, not that anger is a problem. It’s what we do with it. Anger is a okay emotion. I just want to put

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: that out there. All the emotions are okay.

Laura: Yeah. You’re right. And and one thing that is good about those situations for us is that we were able to take that fear, take that anger as, I mean, in my case, it got so bad that it was just like a sign that someone was holding, like, right, three inches in front of my face that I finally saw. But like, it’s a sign for you to be like, okay, like what is going on? Like, how do I how can I take control of this situation? Because I feel like a lot of times when you’re in a situation that feels that’s making you angry, that’s blocking you from your best self, you feel out of control of it, Right?

Renae: Mhm.

Laura: And so then it’s an opportunity for you to say, like, what can I do to

Renae: Mhm.

Laura: control some piece of this that is just going to, to, um, make me feel better? Like in my case,

Renae: Yeah.

Laura: I was so angry all the time, and I just wanted to cure myself from anger. And I was like, oh, great. All I have to do is learn how to never be angry again. And I’ll feel better. Which we know it didn’t work, but

Renae: Yeah.

Laura: it did set me on

Renae: Right.

Laura: a path.

Renae: Right. Right.

Laura: To to make a lot of changes and really to, to build a lot of self-knowledge.

Renae: Yeah. And the and the the piece of it’s. It’s letting, it’s letting our um emotions communicate to us what our needs are. I think that, that, that The curiosity piece of it, of saying, okay, what’s what’s happening here? Um, why why am I having this response? And so there’s a piece of forgiving yourself, um, and saying, okay, I can, I can I want to redo with myself that I want to do this differently. And being curious about how did I how did I get here? And then I think it’s that that boundaries piece I think we talked about before that, you know, boundaries versus requests that a boundary is for me, a boundary is not something I enforce on someone else. It’s for me. And if I say, you know what, I, I’m not going to until I can figure out why I am doing having this response or this reaction that I don’t like about myself, I am going to do what I need to do to remove myself from that space until I can have a better understanding and can make choices instead of have reactions. Right. And that’s a boundary that has actually nothing to do with anybody else of saying, oh no, no, leave me. You know, it’s it’s just saying, no, I’m going to do this over here. And that’s okay. And if people are like, why are you pulling away? It’s what I need. It actually has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me. It turns out it’s not you. It’s me, actually is real.

Laura: Right. It’s not just the excuse we used in grade school. In high school.

Renae: So

Laura: Um.

Renae: this is where the the boundary piece, I think is, is important to remember to go ahead.

Laura: I have a question. I don’t know if we’ll be able to get to all of it today. Maybe it’s a continued for next episode. But one thing that is interesting to me, that I would love to hear your thoughts on is when we talk back to attracting the people that are going to thrive in your work and building a community of people that all have this similar shared purpose, I am one hundred percent on board with that. I think that’s great and beautiful and that’s what I want for my work too. And then I also think about how polarized everything is today and how. Like building a community of people that only think one certain way is that working against like, depolarizing or like, how do we address that? And like I said, I’m not against building a community of like minded people. I want to do that. Um, how do we do that and talk

Renae: Yeah,

Laura: across

Renae: yeah,

Laura: whatever differences we have?

Renae: yeah. I love that you said that and I it, it actually I have I do have some thoughts about that. Um, and it harkens back to when I. was in, um, worship, leading the worship, leading space in a church setting, and I was doing a I got my. For those who don’t know, I got my master’s in divinity with a concentration in worship, arts and theology. And so, um, thought it was going to be a worship pastor. Um, and up until the point where God made it incredibly clear that I was not going to be serving in a parish setting in a in a church, traditional church setting. It was incredibly clear. Um, but the during that time, there was a book that I was reading and it was actually, um, it’s called Culture Shift, and it was talking about how your how you create a culture, um, in your worship team building and in that setting because, um, having people who are up front who are ostensibly leading, um, making sure that it is coming from good places and not manipulative places. And there’s this one example, and I’ve talked about it many times in different contexts. And it’s really interesting how people take this example, but they were talking about, um, this young man who desperately wanted to play bass with the worship band, and he was terrible. He was just really, really, really bad. But when he played, he was he was there was a pureness in his, in his persona, his his whole it wasn’t it wasn’t a fake persona. It was just his whole person was beaming with this worshipful attitude. And it was it was it was compelling and peaceful. Um, and so, um, they, they said, okay, so how do we make a way for him to participate so he can bring what he can bring right now? And so they put him on stage and he he played the bass, but they never plugged it in until he got better. So he was leading with his like with his person

Laura: With his

Renae: and

Laura: energy, right?

Renae: his energy. And then he’s he’s practicing his bass. And then eventually he got better. Like they gave him the skills and the tools to be able to get there. And so, I mean, and so to that point of if we’re in leadership of those spaces, it’s figuring out where are their on ramps for people to be able to participate. And then we have the honest conversations to say, hey, we want you to participate. And we recognize that there are some things that that might happen here that might be hurtful because maybe you’re not in that space yet, but you want to belong. And so here’s where here’s the space we’ve built that you can be part of things. And here’s work right here. Like these are these are the things, um, that might be helpful to you or that we invite you into, um, and then setting up the rules for engagement for the community. I think it should never be polarizing for us to select. Life giving as the litmus test is

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: what I’m doing. Life giving, edifying. Building up. Truthful. Kind. If if what if my engagement is that. And that’s the litmus test. Those are the like minded people. And if it’s not that, then I’m okay saying this is not the space for you. And if you if you want to be part of this space, let’s talk about how you can do that in a way that’s healthy for you and healthy for everybody else. And it’s not that we’re trying to create a barrier for people to belong. It’s that belonging means that you’re going to hold, you know, this, this regard for people and this regard for life. Um, and, and, and all those things at high value.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah, I like

Renae: How

Laura: that.

Renae: does that feel?

Laura: Yeah, that feels nice.

Renae: We could I know we’re running out of time, but we can talk about the a little more. Well, Laura, I just want to thank you so much for, um, you know, showing up and participating in the conversation in, um, such a generous and open way. It’s always fun when we get to do that. Thank you.

Laura: It is. Thank you for all of your insight and honesty.

Renae: Awesome.