When You Want Out: What Is Your Escapist Trying to Tell You?

Renae: Well, welcome to week two of The Escapist. Laura.

Laura: Hello, Renae. I’m so glad to be here talking about our escapist. We spent the last week checking in with our escapist. And this week, I think we’re going to talk about maybe what kinds of things we have discovered.

Renae: Mhm.

Laura: So as you’ve been noticing your escapist over the last week, what kinds of things are triggering his or her, their appearance?

Renae: Yeah. I think, um, this has been really interesting because I continue to tease out what part is my neurodivergence overwhelm and burnout and which part is my, um. Uh, excitement, Dopamine seeking novelty variety part of myself, which, you know, everything is all in one. So they aren’t exactly separate in containers, but it’s been interesting to check and see, oh, with what thing might be happening right now. What’s driving this?

Laura: Yeah. And have you had have you noticed any themes coming up when you have been examining that.

Renae: Um I think that the um variation like for me, the, that I can tell that it’s um, when I’m craving some kind of variation or sensory input, um, that there, the, this is where it’s, it’s showing up like that. It’s a, um, you know, kind of like that escape from the mundane or the, the, two too much repetition. And I keep coming back to, um. Um, we’ve been watching the Hundred Cooks competition show on Food Network, um, hosted by the wonderful Terry Crews. And, um, Alex Guarnaschelli is one of the I’ve said her name wrong. No, nobody come at me. Um, but she’s, um, has said to a couple of the cooks, this really tastes lovely and with so much flavor, your palate, it starts searching after the third bite for a relief, you need a relief so that you can come back to the wonderful stuff and you need a pause. And I think that that is something really interesting because I, I think maybe, and sometimes we might flip that and think that our escape is going to the wonderful stuff, but maybe sometimes it’s looking for that Pause.

Laura: Yeah, I love that example. I had a, um, a yoga teacher once who. She said that she felt like she was always turning something on a podcast or some music like, and she noticed that she was trying to, you know, drown out her own thoughts. And so she developed this mantra, which is kind of similar, which is I am safe in silence. And I do the same thing where I’m always like, you know, I can be listening to something educational right now while I’m folding laundry or, you know, so I kind of have like a productivity mindset. Um, but also it is hard for me even when I’m not trying to be productive. It is hard for me to just be quiet and like you’re saying, like have an absence of flavor for a minute, just drink some water right now. And, um, yeah, I definitely find myself trying to fill in all the gaps and never just be. Never just be.

Renae: Yeah. That’s it’s, it’s so interesting to. Um, like stop and even reflect on how. You know, this is the, the one in many parts that we’ve looked at in our conversation often is coming back to this concept of stillness and presence and being and not forcing and not having to, you know, make or do or create or consume or explore. It can just this moment of being and that it’s that why, why is it so hard for us to allow ourselves to potentially be bored, to be paused?

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I feel like there’s so many ways for us to not be bored now. Quote, not be bored, um, that it is hard for us to sit with not doing anything. It’s hard for us to fill our boredom with something that isn’t an easy fix.

Renae: Mhm.

Laura: You know, we’re we used to do, I don’t know, when we were kids, we didn’t have all the same kind of, um, stimulation opportunities that we do today. And so we had to just, you know, put together some Legos or build a fort out of sticks. And I wonder if there is, um, that really makes me feel like I want to do that again. You know what I mean? Just sit with myself and see what I can find to do that isn’t, um, just an immediate taking away my attention from this moment.

Renae: Well, I think that there’s, um, if we think about even the term of escapist, it’s, it is telling that there’s a truth of some discontent, right? And so is the, is the discontent, because there’s a circumstance or a set of circumstances or an environment or, um, something that’s happening that’s, that’s causing discontent or distress. And, um, it maybe it’s not actively crisis in that moment, but it’s constantly there and weighing. Yeah. And so there’s like intrusive thoughts and worry patterns and all those things that, that continue to loop in that space, in that pressure that you’re feeling. And so it’s I think it’s normal to want to escape that pressure and normal to want to escape that distress. And so I don’t think it’s the escapes fault. Um, I think it’s, it’s a little bit of figuring out, you know, what is it, what is it? The need behind this, this, this feeling of I have to, I have to not feel this way.

Laura: Yeah. I think that you raise a good point too, of like, not only is it not the escapist fault, sometimes it’s okay to escape because things can be heavy. I think it’s the real challenge for us is a, like a discernment of when is it healthy to escape versus when am I behaving in an unhealthy way where I’m not dealing with whatever it is that’s weighing on me? And then also discerning like, am I escaping boredom or am I escaping something that’s deeper that really needs to be addressed? Or am I just like doing this thing to escape out of habit and, you know, identifying those patterns? So I feel like the escapist presents us with a lot of opportunities for deep discernment and what’s happening.

Renae: Well, and I think the, um, the, the thing of the circumstance or feeling or perception of being trapped, um, right, like I, I, we just moved and there was two times since we signed the lease, which has been a while ago that I, that I’m like, oh no, we’re in a lease for twelve months. We’re trapped. And in being really curious about like, oh, that’s really weird. Like you have wanted to be in this in a stable living situation, and if you wanted a place that you could count on, and instead it’s feeling like a little bit of confinement, um, and being curious about that. And, and, and so how does that play out for you?

Laura: Yeah, I definitely have a similar thing. I, um, ten years ago, no more than that. In twenty ten, I had been working independently and then I took a job and I remember freaking out and thinking, oh my gosh, what have I done? I’ll never have any freedom. And that was even back in the days when we had to go into an office. So I was losing a lot of freedom and I just had to keep telling myself, like it. You still have your autonomy. Like if you really need to, you can quit this job. And then everything turned out to be okay. But just like that escapist is like, you know, pulling an alarm bell to say like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? You’re trapping yourself here. And then, as you know, I’ve just taken a job again after after a long period of being independent. And I, um, had the same kind of gut reaction. Only luckily, this time it wasn’t as severe because I’ve done so much internal reflection since sixteen years ago. Um, but yeah, I always, my escapist wants to do whatever it wants to do whenever it wants to do it, even though a bigger part of me understands that that’s not really freedom. Because when I have too much freedom, I’ve seen I don’t do anything which isn’t, which also isn’t what I want to do. That doesn’t align with my goals either.

Renae: Right, right. It’s, it’s that piece that we’ve talked about before of, um, we need planned, um, structured unstructured time, right? Like the parts where of our day and, and things that are carved out where the, there is a very short agenda of. Explore or be or create. Right. And not you have to create this much. You have to explore this much. You have to be this much. Although that would be a funny goal. Um, but the but but to if, if we can, if we can think about, um, you know, the, the things that would genuinely light us up that we would have excitement about and say, okay, well, what are the, what are the ways that I can weave in? Like, what is it about that circumstance that gave me that excitement or it gave me that contentment And. And is that something that I can add to my current circumstance that doesn’t require me to leave everything behind or doesn’t require me to, um, fight against the, the good parts of a container.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s a really good point. You, you are in total control. Well, you’re in some control of your mindset, right? And so you can, you know, like one of the things that I tried to, uh, one of my like, kind of my filters for the day is I try to live free. And I was thinking as I was taking this job, like, oh my gosh, I’m not going to be able to quote live free. And then I thought, wow, that’s not true. Like, there’s a lot of aspects of freedom that I’m gaining in this position. You know, like a steady paycheck is a form of freedom. Um, a, you know, some confines on how my time is going to be structured. Um, during the day, I’m actually kind of thinking of that as a form of freedom because then that then frees me up to do anything I want outside of the hour, outside of my working hours. Whereas before when I was working independently, like you always have a foot in that, you know what I mean? You’re always trying to be like, okay, I need to do this. I need to get more business, or I need to, you know, finish this deliverable. And now outside of working hours, I’m totally free to just do whatever I want to do. And so I was have been able to think about ways that I can kind of flip it. And as you’re saying, like finding those good parts of the container to still feel that same level of freedom that I want to feel.

Renae: Yeah. So I think that, that like brings us a little bit into the, the. Starting to ask what. What are the things that helps our escapists to feel like it doesn’t have to be, um, frantic or manic or high energy, but instead, um, is expansive. Um, instead of it’s not running, it’s not running away from, but it’s, it’s expanding into, it’s stepping into. And there’s, there’s, um, there’s enough safety in the container to step into that.

Laura: Yeah. I was reading a book about writing once. And one of the things that really stuck with me was, um, it was saying, and if you, if you are listening and you’ve ever tried to write anything, you’ll resonate with this. Like you, it’s hard work, right? And then you, you write something and it’s good and you’re like, awesome. Now I’m done for the day. But, and, and this author was saying, like, instead of doing that, instead of like getting a piece that you like and leaving, like stay in the room, you’re like, how can you stay there? Further that thought, keep that momentum going instead of allowing yourself to check out. And I kind of feel like that with the escapist where I, you know, I want to leave a situation or, you know, distract myself or whatever. And I can say to myself, like, how can I stay in the room even though this isn’t really where I want to be? Um, what do I need to do to stay here when I know underneath that it will benefit me?

Renae: Yeah. That’s a, that’s challenging. Like for, for me to even as I was considering that for my own writing, that’s not how I like, that’s not how I write. Um, I don’t tend to edit. I’m really, really bad about it. I, I want to just write what I’ve written and have it be pretty much it. Um, yeah. I mean, and I do, I do a ton of pre writing in my head and I’m thinking about stuff all the time. And, you know, it’s just kind of how my brain has worked. But it’s also reflecting on when I used to um, sing, um, semi-professionally and um, the, it’s the term diva actually has a negative connotation that I don’t think it needs to have, but the, the role of the diva, um, when you’re talking about a production is you, it’s the person who comes in, does the solo and then leaves. They don’t go to all the rehearsals, they don’t stay in, they’re not present for it. It’s like they do their job and then they leave. And, um, and it’s not just singing, but that when I’ve done my, um, even in seminary did like the, how will you be most successful? Um, in, in. And it says in some circumstances that is your best call. Like.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: You you get in, you do it, you get out. And, and I’m like completely recognized that that is a place that that is right for me, but it’s not the only thing that is, but noticing that when you’re talking about even with the writing, um, even with that staying present, this part of me, it’s like, oh yeah, that’s what I, I just want, I just want to go. Maybe it’s turning, it’s not even that it’s a default. It’s, it’s become the, the practice versus am I, am I allowing for myself to sit with that a little bit more? I’m good with when it’s other people, I can sit with other people’s stuff for very long time.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: Um, and I can process through my things, but there is a piece of me that’s very resistant to having to stay and not leave. Exactly what I want to. So that’s it’s just a place for me to continue to explore and, and, and, you know, notice.

Laura: Yeah, I find it especially useful when I have a relationship or some kind of issue with someone else where I’d rather just never talk to that person again or just completely ignore it. And but what I know from experience is that either that situation is just going to get worse if I don’t address it upfront, or I’m going to stew on it and make it bigger than it already is in my brain. And so when I use that kind of like stay in the room mantra, I say like, okay, like, how am I going to stay here and address this now instead of just being like, whatever, we’ll never talk about this again.

Renae: Yeah, Yeah. And so it is a, it is a check in to see, you know, what, what will give your escapist peace? How can you, how can you create the, the, um, the set of circumstances where you have the container that gives you the freedom to know, just like you talked about with, with the, you know, the, when you step into a workplace role, it’s I’m making this choice. And if it doesn’t work out, I can go. But that’s the goal is not for me to go.

Laura: Mhm. Mhm. Right, right. So when we’re thinking about the escapist, you know, taking us away from all of this stuff, if if you were talking directly to the escapist and you think it would answer like, honestly? Like, what do you think? Is it most afraid that would happen if we like, stayed if we, you know, did what we’re talking about? Like, you know, listening to our higher selves, what, what would the escapist say it’s afraid of?

Renae: Um, I think for sure that for, for me, um, there is a piece of I’m going to miss something else. I’m going to miss what, whatever else is going on in the zeitgeist or an opportunity or, um, I’m going to miss, I’m going to miss something.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: Right. I’m, I’m, I’m going to, I’m going to be left behind. I’m gonna, um, just miss it. Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. I definitely think my escapist would say something similar. And also just. The whole boredom angle, like my escapist would be like. But yeah, like there’s something that’s so much more fun to do if we would start something new. And then I think a very deep part of it is doesn’t want to have to, to face pain is afraid that it won’t be able to process it and that it will be so hurt that it won’t ever recover.

Renae: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I’m and as I’m reflecting on, you know, my own workplace journey, um, I, I get that, you know, from the outside, from some people that being an entrepreneur and having a business looks like escape. Um, and, and, um, I also have thirty five years of the opposite of, of working in corporate settings and in in traditional places to let me know that all of those different types of things were not the right place. Right. Right. So it wasn’t even a it, it wasn’t that I oh, I don’t want to do it. It’s like I gave it a go. I gave it a go, people. I tried all of the things. I tried really hard to make or make it work. And it turns out it just actually wasn’t the right place. And so I think that that’s part of like, maybe that’s a little bit of the litmus test is, um, you know, have, have you, have you really, um, given yourself the opportunity to, to try that same thing in different ways before you decide that that’s not it for you?

Laura: Yeah. I mean, it’s more of that discernment, right? Like just because you’re trying to get away from something doesn’t mean you’re trying to escape something deeper always. Sometimes you just do need to get away from that thing.

Renae: Yeah. Yeah.

Laura: And that’s okay too.

Renae: And to be clear, when we’re talking about the escapist, we’re not talking about the we’re not encouraging anyone to stay in an abusive or toxic situation or relationship in organization, um, in any entanglement like that. Um, like, yes, yes, like one hundred percent the, the desire to escape that type of, of reality is a good cue for you and whatever that looks like, you know, that’s, that’s a good, that’s a good thing for your exploration. And so, um, this, none of this is, is, is prescribing, um, staying in a place of harm, um, in order to see if you can make it work. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about things that are, it’s not about it whether it is. um, unhealthy. It’s about what is going to let you show up more fully as yourself, um, versus having to, um, suppress, repress, compress, um, yourself to fit in.

Laura: Yeah, absolutely. So this week, we would encourage you to just try to, you know, you’ve started to notice if you’ve been following along with this journey, like when this is happening. And then, um, I guess the question for you to explore this week would be like, you know, like, what am I hoping to not experience? What am I hoping to escape? And then starting to bring in some of that discernment that we’ve been discussing and see what happens.

Renae: Awesome. Yeah. And we invite you to download the micro journey that accompanies this episode. And if you want to go deeper, you can purchase the companion workbook in the shop and we would love to hear all about your journey. So thanks so much. Laura.

Laura: Thank you. We’ll see you next time.

Renae: Awesome.

Laura: Great.