The Shiny Exit: Meeting the Part That Wants Out

Laura: Hello. This week, Renae, we’re going to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart, although I wish it weren’t. And this is our part that wants to escape from everything. Welcome to the podcast. How’s it going today?

Renae: Oh, boy. Oh, well, yeah, the escapist. She she looms large. She really, really does.

Laura: When you hear that phrase, the escapist, what does that make you think of?

Renae: I literally have had moments in my life where I’ve been driving on the freeway to go somewhere. And I thought I could just keep going. Just keep going. And I don’t need to go back. I that.

Laura: I, you know, once when I was pregnant, I, oh my gosh, I’m just having a flashback. When I was pregnant, I had a lot of depression. And when, I mean, it just really caused my pregnancy. But I just remember one time, like I was driving to work and I just didn’t feel like, I just didn’t think I could do it. And I almost just went to my friend’s house instead. And then I thought, well, you can’t just drive over to her house and skip work. Like you have to go. So, yeah, drive me somewhere else, anywhere else other than the place that you need to be going. Oh, man.

Renae: Yeah, it’s, it’s been really interesting thinking about the escapist, you know, this part of, of us, part of me that gets overwhelmed by whatever is going on, but gets. Gets, I don’t know, it’s different than when we’ve talked about things like the worrier or, you know, the perfectionist or these other parts that respond differently when in the overwhelm. And the escapist doesn’t have to necessarily physically escape, but can also really be our attention. And I think that that’s what I’ve seen most often for me is this shutting down, right? Um, the, the doom scroll, the, the phone time, the YouTube videos. Don’t cover my YouTube videos, y’all though.

Laura: I mean, yeah, I think to the, um, so I feel it, the escapist in, in several situations, but most acutely. When I’m feeling like there’s some conflict that I don’t want to be, like I’m okay with conflict that needs to happen. Like if I need to, if we need to have a real conversation about, you know, like let’s say your work performance or boundaries or whatever, I’m okay with that. And I can tell you why I’m okay with that kind of conflict because I found that that is a smaller conflict than letting it inflate and having to deal with that conflict down the road. I feel very comfortable with conflict and I would love to escape it and not have it happen and have everyone be happy and get along all the time. I have been, always been a person, like I never liked debate. Like when we had to do our, I don’t know if you ever had to do like mock trial in school. I hated that because I hate argument because it feels like conflict to me. And then I also want to escape when people have really heavy feelings, especially when they’re having, when they’re having trouble processing those feelings. Um, I’m not the greatest person in that scenario either. And then I think what’s so funny too about the escapist is that you, it can really disguise itself as being healthy. Um, and, and where, where I mean that, like, if you’re like, let’s say you’re a perfectionist, like there’s like some kind of anger there, or there’s some frustration and this isn’t good enough. But the escapist is like, let’s go have fun. Let’s go do something different. And so that can feel a lot lighter on the surface than, you know, and what you might not realize, you know, when you’re letting your escapist run, run your show is that you’re really putting some stuff away that you’re, that’s gonna, you know, start sneaking up the basement if you don’t bring it out and deal with it soon.

Renae: Yeah, and it’s, it can be even the mundane. I think that’s the thing. It doesn’t even have to be a challenging situation. It could just be a sense of deep dissatisfaction with doing the same thing over and over again. Or, right, like, it’s never going to end. used to think about my youngest and learning that for her, the part of the laundry of there’s too many socks. It wasn’t even about the socks. It was the representation of I can’t see the end of this. And so I don’t know that there’s going to be relief. And when I’ve had that before, it’s been something bad has happened, right? So I’m going to the trauma side of it, but that there’s a, if I can’t see the end, or I can’t, I don’t have a point that I can. You know, really highlight or point to or at a time that I know is something good is coming or something that there’s relief coming, then my brain and body might try to find some form of escape.

Laura: Yeah. And I also think that that is an opportunity for the escapist to start to fixate on something in the future. Like when this happens, I’m going to feel better. I’m going to escape this current circumstance. You know, when I get a promotion, when I, you know, when I get a different job, whatever that thing is, the escapist loves to look forward and not live in the present moment and wait for things to get better when this certain thing happens. Yeah.

Renae: And you know, it’s super interesting to me to think about this with the lens of neurodivergence, because I do think that if we look at. People with ADHD, myself included, that there are times when we’re, like, whether it’s a rage quit or it’s a bopping from one thing to the next, that it can, it could be the escapist and it could be ADHD brain. And that sometimes some of what we’re talking about here could be low levels of dopamine, whether that’s from an ADHD brain or just because that’s not something that we are currently getting a lot of in our relationships. And so some of this, that kind of like that spark, that fun thing, that thing to look forward to, the payoff, the reward, those brain chemicals that the escapist might be looking for, it might not even just be. Um, just part of our, you know, personality or makeup, it could be other things as well. And so I think that’s an interesting thing to tease out here too.

Laura: Yeah. That it might not just be you trying to escape a circumstance or like a safety protocol. It might be more of like a diagnosis or like a symptom of a different problem.

Renae: Is that what you’re getting out there? Well, well, and I don’t even think that it’s necessarily a problem. It’s just like figuring out what, um, cause I don’t, I just, it’s just a different brain wiring. Um, and so it’s just, uh, thinking about what, what is driving this? Like what, what patterns might I be seeing here that let me know, oh, this is because I I’m having low dopamine right now. Right. My husband and I call it when we’re doing things on the phone. And we call it dopamining when we are fully aware that we are feeling low in dopamine. And so we’re looking for the little hits of it, but we do it with the awareness. So it’s not the default. It’s a, oh, I don’t have what I need here. And so I’m aware that when I am doing this action, what I’m looking for is some dopamine. And so it can look like escapism. It can look like the escapist is looming large. And it is, but maybe the reason’s a little bit different. Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. I see what you’re saying. Yeah. I do something kind of similar, which is I like my escapist wants to start new stuff and do shiny new things. And so I let that, I let my art practice be that where I don’t have to finish a thing. I can, you know, start any project I want to, it can, it can do whatever it wants. And that’s like, almost like a safe space, like a container for it to just do anything shiny that it wants to do and not have to have any consequences there. Whereas in the other parts of my life, that can have consequences for me if I just like never finish things or like chase new projects and abandon all of the old ones. What would you say are your like, kind of like go-to escape routes? I mean, you mentioned being on your phone. Certainly I am a way too often Instagram user. What else would you put into your list of escape routes?

Renae: Yeah, for sure. Like I do like, I try to keep my games to, to. Like idle games or like one minute games, because if not, I could play a game for a really long time, which is great. Actually, you know, there’s actually a lot of good that comes from that. You can problem solve a whole lot of things while you’re doing that. Interestingly enough, never taking a walk, that never comes up as a form of escape for me. Uh, but it’s usually something where it’s very much pleasure seeking, you know, quick return, quick reward. And it’s probably something visual that gives me a break from the movie in my head that is like the slog or, or, oh, there’s no end to this. Or I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t have any control. What can I actually control? So it’s the. Scrolling. I don’t, Instagram is not my jam. It just isn’t. But Facebook Reels, man. I just, that is a great source of much entertainment for me. You know what I’ve been watching on? Sorry. I just got a new phone a couple of days ago. My phone was seven years old and it was not working anymore. And so as I’m like, I did not do the thing where you just like switch it all over. I’m actually being really thoughtful about what I move over. And I haven’t loaded Facebook onto my new phone yet. And I find myself continually reaching and going, oh, I don’t have it on my phone. I guess I have to do something else. And so I think that that’s probably one of the things. Art projects too. Yeah.

Laura: You know, I find snacking to be a big. That’s escape route for me. That is one of the things that I also have the most trouble. I have way more awareness around it than I ever have, but it’s still difficult for me to be like, okay, you’re not really hungry. Sometimes I’ll be like, well, that’s okay. I still just want to feel this crunch in my mouth because that feels good to me right now. Wow. So that I would say is kind of one of my more insidious ones. But Facebook Reels, I have been obsessed lately with watching. There’s these people that go around Disney World and they trade pins. You can get those acrylic pins. And they do all these challenges. And it sounds so ridiculous, but I can’t stop watching them. Today we’re going to get, you know, Disney villains and whoever gets, whoever gets the most is going to get to have the snack of their choice, which are like, of course, like there are a couple. So why, of course they would just buy themselves a snack if they wanted one, but. There’s just something about the stakes of it and the different pins that I can’t turn away from. So that’s one of my current escape routes, Disney pin training. Watching art process videos. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those are great.

Renae: And here’s the, like, I’m sitting here looking at hundreds of dollars worth of art supplies sitting in front of me. And I could do art and I’m watching a video. I think, like, buying stuff like that.

Laura: Like, I buy books and never read them. Like, I think buying art supplies. I mean, I can see that also being, like, an escape. Like, my daughter buys purses. She can’t possibly need them all. But I think it’s an escapism. So we, like, our escape is doing all this stuff. We know that it believes that. It’s helping us out. What do you think that is trying to accomplish for us?

Renae: I think that one part of it, I think, is trying to get a different ending to a story. Mm-hmm. And course, when that happens, we also get a dopamine hit when other people go, oh, you did a good job. Like, that’s part of what happens. I’m not talking about approval. I’m talking about someone taking a delight in what we’ve done gives us this. And so I think sometimes that’s what it is, is saying, I might not have gotten that in other areas of my life, or I haven’t completed something, or I haven’t had success, and this new thing would give me an opportunity to have a different ending. I think that’s such a great way to describe it.

Laura: I’m feeling very resonant with that. Like, every time you start something new, it’s a chance to make it bigger and better than anything you’ve done in the past. That just sounds so appealing to my escapist right now. To me, too, I think it’s just, I find myself sometimes, I think the escapist is trying to keep me from feeling bad, because it does not feel good. And also, I see the escapist trying to put that on other people, too. Like to be like, you don’t have to feel bad. Let’s have fun. You know, everything can be fun. It doesn’t have to be serious. And I think sometimes, you know, the reason that that can be a persistent pattern, at least for me, is that a lot of times that actually is helpful and it does work. And it’s not, you know, people don’t need to be serious all the time, but I think it’s when it’s not in balance and you’re not allowing for the seriousness or, you know, the level of pain or whatever that does need to actually be processed is where it gets a little sticky. But yeah, I think it’s trying to, you know, show everyone that things can be okay, that things are okay.

Renae: Yeah. And I, and it is the, I think it comes back to when we talk about our yoga practices, that it’s when it’s forced, that it becomes an issue. We’re out of balance when it’s forced. And so if it’s that. I’m forcing this attitude of everything’s fine. No, no, you know, we’re not going to, we’re about avoiding reality and forcing a constructed reality where we don’t feel those things. And that ends up actually hurting us more often than not.

Laura: Yeah, yeah. So as people are navigating their week this week, what are some things that they can be aware of? I I would definitely say like anytime you find yourself doing something that you know feels a little bit like you’re dissociating. Like, I mean, I think people scrolling, snacking, we talked about those two things. Anything else that you notice yourself doing where you’re just kind of unplugging your brain without really thinking about it? What else would you think people should be aware of when it comes to this?

Renae: Well, and I think, as always, approaching this part with compassion, like we have with the other parts, to say that, you know, you’re showing up because you’re trying to protect me.

Laura: Yeah. Right.

Renae: You’re trying to you’re there’s something that I whether it is I’m feeling a dissonance, a disconnect, whether I’m feeling whatever is creeping up for me, some part of me doesn’t feel fully safe. And so, you know, just starting by saying, hey, I’m aware I’m aware that you have you’re doing something here and and maybe you’re not ready to say thank you. And maybe you’re not for the part where you’re, you know, we’re just meeting the escapist. We’re not necessarily friends yet, but it’s just aware that there’s a there’s a job that’s happening. Right. There’s a there’s a role that it’s playing and being compassionate toward ourselves. And this part to say, you know, it’s okay. I don’t have to say, oh, that’s bad. Or I shouldn’t have done that. It’s that curiosity of, I wonder what’s going on. I wonder, I wonder what you’re, you know, like, I’m aware you’re here. And maybe I’m not ready to dive into what’s going on. But just I’m aware that there’s something else going on.

Laura: Right. Absolutely. I love that you brought up the curiosity piece, because I was going to mention that, you know, just like, oh, this means something. I wonder what it means. Yeah.

Renae: So it’s with, with gentleness, right? If you think, I think of the escapist a little bit like Tinkerbell the fairy, in some respects, it’s definitely flitting about and sparkly and fun and laughter. And there’s, there’s moments of joy and surprise. And also, it’s a fairy. Like, fairies are actually. frightening creatures that you don’t want to trap. They’re terrifying.

Laura: There’s a dark side. There’s a dark side.

Renae: For sure. And so just, just being very, just, you know, just aware that there’s this part of you that’s a little sparkly, tinkly, flying around and doing its thing and just being gentle, being gentle. Yes.

Laura: Holding it lightly.

Renae: Absolutely. Well, so if this has resonated with you, we invite you to download the micro journey for this week and begin your, um, glimpse, your look, your curiosity fueled awareness, um, time. To consider what’s going on and what might be emerging here for you. What can we learn as you’re meeting your escapist? And of course, if you would like to participate in a, going a little bit deeper, we have that companion workbook available for purchase in the shop as well. And I’m excited for us to continue this conversation in the coming weeks. Thank you, Laura, for bringing so much of your lived experience into this conversation.

Laura: Can everyone tell this is my major, this is my part that I grapple with.

Renae: But thank you for witnessing it, everyone. Absolutely.

Laura: All right. Well, we’ll catch you next time.

Renae: All right. Be kind to your fairy, everybody. Cool. All right.

Laura: Awesome.