Your Emotional Climate: Ritual, Expression, and the Spaces That Hold You

Renae: Good morning, Laura. Good morning.

Laura: Good afternoon here from Ohio.

Renae: Oh, yeah, that’s right. Time difference. It’s a really good point, too, thinking about when we come to these conversations, everyone’s coming from a different place.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: Having the grace of when we’re doing this to remember that we’re coming from different places, but that doesn’t mean that we’re alone.

Laura: Absolutely. I love that. Yeah, we’re all in a different, we might even be in a different geographic place. We’re definitely all in a different headspace. And we can all still show up.

Renae: Yep. Yep. Well, I’m, I’m really glad that we get to go through some more of this conversation about the Bellicali individualist. It’s been really fun. I, I know, like, you’re really. I maybe put the words fun and melancholy in the same sentence most times, but it has been fun to reflect on this part of myself and to see how it’s showing up in me and in other spaces. So thank you so much for the leadership in the workbook and helping to design our journey here. How are you doing with all this?

Laura: I find it also really interesting. And this week of the journey is really interesting to me because this is a thing that I find endlessly fascinating, which is just the idea of what nourishes us, what puts us in a good space emotionally, what puts us in a less productive or less healthy space emotionally. And it is personally something that I, like, I am always monitoring, like, when do I feel most creative? Yeah. And do I feel most efficient when, you know, and so I’m always trying to time my day, my working day, especially to these rhythms of how I’m feeling as far as my energy level and my creativity. And then this is a little bit of a different flavor of that. I think we’re starting to explore, like, what is our emotional temperature in different times, in different environments. And so I’m excited to dig into this one. What have you noticed or what do you already know about your emotional temperature throughout the day or through separate environments?

Renae: Yeah, I think for me, part of, and we’ve talked about this briefly before, it is that it’s not the same every day, right? So I might have, I might know that I have like a three o’clock slump. that happens every day that I’m either going to take a nap or I’m not. And that’s just how in this stage of my life, and actually ever since I had a surgery in 2007, afternoon naps have actually been a thing. I’m no longer able to power through the full day in the same way. And that’s okay because it was also unsustainable for me to stay in that hustle. And so that’s like that energy piece of it. Like there’s certain things that are kind of predictable, but as far as the, the emotional piece of it and, and how things are hitting me and what my capacity is during that season, that is a little less predictable. And certain things keep, you know, catch me off guard as far as. Because, oh, I’m feeling really, really tender about this. Or I’m feeling really excited. And like, I’m noticing that about myself. And so what I’m, what I, it really comes down to is what I’m, what I’m really noticing is the difference between now and maybe 10 years ago. Hmm. Because I’m allowing myself to be human now and not have to squish myself into what makes other people feel comfortable as far as my emotions go.

Laura: Yeah. And you can be more accepting of just your own emotional, I don’t want to call it turbulence, but your own emotional waxing and waning maybe.

Renae: Yeah. Well, and I, and I would even just say like the, the full, the fuller spectrum or the, the, the, it’s just that there is no shallow. with me anyway. It has been the, do I let other people in on or do I have to mask the depth of my experiences? And it doesn’t mean that I just go out and emote on people, but it is, if I need to express something and I don’t have the space to do that in, then I might go and find a space to do that in.

Laura: Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. I for sure feel like my, in the evening when I get tired, like I, it seems like, of course, everyone should know this. And probably from the outside, it’s really obvious. But when I get tired, sometimes I can really get emotional without realizing that it’s because I’m tired. And so what I have kind of learned to do is really. try to shut off any kind of thinking in the nighttime before bedtime is a time when I will, for example, last night, even though I have a YouTube channel and I’ve been making a lot of progress on it and I’m feeling happy with where things are going and feeling excited about doing it, um, last night I saw someone else who is my close, close friend and who I love what she’s doing and I’m super happy for her and I saw that she put up a few shorts and they’re awesome and hilarious and I immediately was like, why can’t I do that? You know, like I immediately had like this emotion that was, I guess it’s jealousy or, you know, like it was just kind of like bringing me down and then in my mind I was just like, Laura, you know what? Like just go to bed and don’t think about this and you’ll probably feel better about it in the morning and this morning I feel great about it. I’m just like, like that’s what she’s doing and I’m really excited about that. And you know, like I’m doing what I’m doing and it’s totally fine. But I think it took me a long time to understand how much my physical energy level was affecting my emotions. And then another hilarious example of this is my husband is really good at just keying into other people’s emotions. And I might’ve told you this before because it just always makes me laugh, but he can always tell when I’m about to get my period. Because I’ll have some sort of reaction and he’ll just be like, oh, well, you know, and not even in a condescending way, but kind of reminding me that I might be a PMS symptom and I might not need to be so upset about a certain thing. Maybe I should just wait it out. And I get really angry, but then he turns out to always be right. So there you go. Wow. That’s another perfect way that our physical bodies are. affecting what we’re feeling, right?

Renae: Like it’s the biology piece of it that there are, again, there’s things that could be sort of predictable and that it catches us by surprise.

Laura: Every time.

Renae: It’s like, and I’ve caught, when there were seasons of my life where I would catch myself and I’d be am I about, I’m having a really strong reaction to this in my, in my thinking part of my brain, my, my, my intellectual part says, I don’t know if that’s a proportionate response. And then of course my emotional side is like, it’s a perfectly appropriate response. But, but, but also it is, I think that like when you’re talking even about the rhythm of the, the nighttime thinking. And the comparison piece, I do think that there’s even a rhythm in there that’s really something to notice for all of us of why would it be that nighttime is a little less buffered or protected for us? And I think that comes partly from the, it’s a little bit of a resource fatigue, right? That all day long, we are bombarded with messages that might make us feel like that we are too much or not enough, or that there’s something wrong with us, or that no one understands us, or all of those things. And that’s by, again, we’ve talked about this, like on purpose by marketing to make us feel like we need to buy products or services to make us feel better. And so there’s that messaging, and then there’s also cultural messaging. And so we might just be depleted from those protective factors and buffers by the end of the night that would normally be there as a coping strategy for this negative messaging that we would receive. Yeah, think that’s such a great point.

Laura: And I would further it by saying, you know, like you have your parts right inside yourself. And some parts are trained to keep you going, to keep it moving and to like tell the parts of you that are freaking out about stuff to be like, it’s okay, we’re going to get it. And by the nighttime, most parts are tired. So the other parts can be like, see, everything’s falling apart.

Renae: Right.

Laura: I literally had like the image in my head of like my buffering parts that are like tucked into bed with their blankie and their stuffed animal. They’re like night, night. And then everyone else comes out at night, right?

Renae: It is time.

Laura: Party time.

Renae: Pull out the pizza rolls. It’s our time.

Laura: That’s no kidding. No kidding. It’s so funny because that also aligns with one thing I’ve been working through lately is my, I’ve had like this desire to just eat a bunch of junk at nighttime. And I really pinpointed it on that exact thing. Like, you know, like, okay, now it’s time I can be, I don’t have to monitor or, you know, I can just numb. And I think I was really using that as a numbing mechanism for a long time. And it was, again, just like this process of self-discovery to be like, why, why am I fine all day long without eating a bunch of junk? And then suddenly at nine o’clock, I feel like we need to eat, you know, a bag of chips and a sleeve of crackers. And I feel like that is really what it was.

Renae: It was just kind of like, we’re done at the end of the day and we’re ready to check out. And that’s the. It’s such a pleasurable way for some of these parts to actually do that. Yeah. And don’t come from my little mini sleeve of Ritz crackers, because that’s like one of the best inventions ever. stacks, they’re so great.

Laura: They’re so good.

Renae: I’m like, this is exactly right to keep me from eating an entire long sleeve of Ritz. Because I will. Because I actually do get maxed out on sweet real quick.

Laura: I love it.

Renae: But I get maxed out on it. And so that’s salty, and it’s a little buttery, and it’s a little sweet. It’s exactly perfect. And thinking about the biology of it, too, at the end of the night, to rest, we need stillness. We need a level of contentment and some kind of safe stasis. To be And so part of that too, is I think our biology say, I need to replenish some of my dopamine and serotonin and other things. I need that glucose load from when I was stressed out all day and I was pulling all this glucose out of my bloodstream. And so some of that, some of the eating is not even mindless or emotional. It is our body’s way of saying like, I need to be replenished. And so it’s that mindful piece of it, of saying, can I have a clear plan? Can I have a, can I have a route, like whether it’s a routine or a list of, okay, yes, crackers and maybe some cheese and, or in an apple or, or whatever, you know, like some kind of balanced protein, carb, because we need those too, right. To replenish our body. And so how can I feel myself? And I think that. That, that proactive piece of it, like the discipline of that is, is a practice that we can put in because that actually does help our moods too. It’s not, it’s not a problem for us to have the big feelings. It’s the, what happens after the feeling.

Laura: Yeah. And zoom that out. And let’s talk about another piece of this, which is like adding structure to our lives. Like how much structure, I feel like as an individualist, sometimes you can really resist structure and say, I want to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. I certainly feel like that a lot. But I also know that constraints and structure can also help me be really efficient. So talk to me a little bit about how you see that playing out in your life.

Renae: Yeah. So there are, and I do this much better in the morning than I do at night. But I have. Recently, and I would say this month is in particular, there’s a couple of apps that I’m trying out for that bedtime, that nighttime hygiene, right? Like the, and I’m not talking about grooming myself. That’s like a part of it, but it’s the, it’s the sleep hygiene of, okay, you know, tidying up and spending some moments in gratitude and making the room darker and cooler and quieter. And these other pieces of it, and I think that that, that snack check in for myself, it can be part of that. It’s the, it is the discipline of coming to back to it and saying, yes, I’m going to engage in it. And so I’m, I’m being graceful with myself. Cause I’m, again, I have a really, my morning, it’s not even a routine, but it, I mean, I have, I have a ritual. I have rituals in the morning. Um, They’re. not automatic. I have to choose to do them. And I even make my list in the morning. I’m like, hydrate, fuel, pray, stretch, vitamins, face, clean, play. This is like my whole life, like things I know I need to do today. And I’ll get to vitamins. I’ll be like, oh, I haven’t taken my vitamins, my vitamins, right? And it’s just part of the, I don’t automatically think about it. And so I think part of that check-in and there has been recently, my husband and I have been, we agreed that before, you know, as part of our good night to each other routine, we would pray together in a different way. That we had, you know, we prayed together a lot, but that at the end of the night for us to do this as a final act before we go to sleep, I even think that piece of it, of having the account. Accountability, right? Because it was just me. I can say, oh, yeah, I’ll do it now or this or that. But to have some kind of accountability is helping with that structure. Yeah.

Laura: I love so much about what you’re saying. I think what’s really interesting to me is how you reframed routine into ritual. And I think a lot of times we get, and we were talking about this before we started recording, like people are telling us things that we should be doing. And a lot of times I feel like they’re doing it in the best, in our best interests because it’s working for them. So people saying, get up at five in the morning, you know, like have this, have you read the book Miracle Morning? Like I’m a total Miracle Morning dropout. Like so many people are like, love Miracle Morning. You should do it. And it’s like, you get up at five and you do all this series of things. I’m just like, I just couldn’t do it. And I think that what you have to do. is create structure and call it what, create a structure in the way that works for you and that takes experimentation. And it also takes some critical thought from you to be like, and some openness to say, okay, I’m going to try this. Okay. It’s not going to, it doesn’t work. I’m going to try something different. And then to the discipline, as you’re saying to when you do find something that works to keep it up. And I think that accountability piece is really interesting too, because that’s such a great way to keep up something that you want to keep in place. You know, like that’s another way to bolster your discipline because sometimes just doing it alone isn’t quite, doesn’t quite as powerful as having a partner there.

Renae: Yeah. Well, and I have people who I, you know, obviously Thank you. I’m a person who has lots of faith practices as part of, and that’s why I think ritual came as that word, because ritual is, the difference between routine and ritual to me is, ritual is something that brings connection. Like, routine is something that it’s, this is, we’re used to this, we do this, this is a pattern, but ritual is, there’s even an intention behind it that says, this is meant to connect me, whether it’s more to myself, or more to God, or more to other people, or humanity, or nature, whatever the thing happens to be, there’s a drawing in. And, and I think that, that, why that matters to me is that it’s, naming that there’s this longing in me to be connected, and that if I, if I’m not, that individual piece of I’m all alone starts to feel really, really strong, so I can still be. Be me, show up fully as me, express myself as me, which is different from everyone else, but that I’m not alone.

Laura: When we think about showing up fully as ourselves, expressing ourselves, I think sometimes we can, that can be greeted with, I guess, rejection is maybe the word I’m looking for. And then that can cause us to, to like withdraw or to just kind of shut down. Is that a thing that has come up for you? And like, how have you navigated that?

Renae: You know, and this one’s a little tricky because of, of, you know, my, my history where I was definitely told in situations. And so you need to leave the room and gather yourself and come back. Or don’t you dare cry, that’s manipulative. Or get yourself together. Or those types of things where what would be my natural expression and the passion that I have was told, you know, this is a reject and eject type of reaction or response to it. And so there has been the learning of, you know, like time and place does matter. And if I, like I said at the beginning, if I’m in a spot where I know I need to express myself and there’s not a space for me to be seen, heard, and valued, I will probably leave and go find a space where I can be seen, heard. Because it’s not, it’s, I now understand that I am worthy of that. And that in healthy spaces, we leave room for people to help express themselves in healthy ways.

Laura: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, interesting. I, for me, it shows up a lot as just when I feel like I’m not communicating with someone well, or they’re not understanding me. Sometimes I’ll just, it’s very tempting for me to say like, okay, well, I never need to talk to that person. And, um, instead of taking the time to maybe, uh, actually make a connection or communicate in a more clear way, um, I think is kind of a big thing for me, too.

Renae: Well, and, and I think. I think the, um, there certainly in, I can think of times as a young adult where I have literally just walked away from arguments with people and never seen them again.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: people I’m friends with where I’m like, we’re getting nowhere. Goodbye. I packed my bags. I got in the car. left. I’ve never seen them again or contacted them again. Um, and so that, that whole like cut bait and go, I’m not running out of fear. It’s just my pattern recognition says we’re never going to get anywhere. And I don’t, at that time, I don’t have the patience or the belief that anything’s going to change.

Laura: So I’m not wasting my time anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess it comes back to this, this critical thinking of like, sometimes that’s necessary and sometimes maybe we can be more understanding. I mean, it’s all on a case by case basis. Right. I think the, the whole point of this. And part of the journey is developing awareness of that and being able to kind of watch yourself from your higher self and notice when you’re doing that for truly your best interest and when you’re doing it to escape and learning the discernment between those two.

Renae: Well, I think the safety of spaces too, whether, you know, if we talk about safety, I’m not talking about like there’s a bomb. I’m talking about that type of safety. I’m talking about if I can be in a space and there’s freedom and room for me to think thoughts differently than somebody else.

Laura: Express things differently than someone else.

Renae: Process through differently than someone else. Fail to get things wrong, to question, to… To listen, to experiment, or that I, and this one I think is important, am not responsible for the well-being of other people in the space as a caretaker, whether I’ve chosen that role or I’ve been put in that role. Um, that there’s this, this level of hypervigilance that keeps me from being able to, to reach my creativity by my, um, collaboration, my problem solving, my imagination. And so sometimes part of what gets in the way of that expression and why I might run into isolation is because I just need some peace and quiet so that I can access it, access, you know, this part of me that needs to, that needs to come out as part of, um, me existing as a human.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. There is so, there’s so much nuance, like, like we always come back to, there’s so much. And I think it’s the reasons that self-discovery can be such a powerful tool for us being able to understand other people. Because if there’s this much complexity in us, you know it’s like that for other people. And I think it just gives us a better perspective on the struggles that everyone’s having. Mm-hmm.

Renae: Well, and I think it’s important to say, too, that when we’re talking about, you know, expression, we’re not saying that just because you think something means you need to say it. Or that you, that, like, part of the expression can be to yourself and then be curious, why am I thinking, like, why did that thought come up? Right? It’s, it’s… It’s allowing yourself to have the feeling and then to express it in the appropriate space, which might just be internally, and then wonder about it and say, you know, let me just do a little cognitive check, too. Is this the full story? Is this, am I really honing in on one piece of this? And it’s not to say that we can’t have declarative moments or, you know, draw lines to say this is okay, this is not okay in situations, but it is choosing the time and place. But also, I think, like, making sure you have a space to express it. And so it may be journaling, it may be voice notes to yourself, it may be other creative ways, but you don’t have to, you don’t have to keep it in, and you also don’t always have to say it to others. Right.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So if we have this accompanying journey, if you want to dig into all of this for your own self, which I would highly recommend because it’s endlessly fascinating, you can pick up our workbook or our micro journey that goes along with this section. What else, Renae?

Renae: I think taking a look at the micro journeys that come with this and being gracious with yourself in it and remembering that this is not an approach like New Year’s resolution where you have to just change everything. It is a small, it’s called a micro journey because it’s a tiny little journey of unpacking your thoughts and practicing expression. Like, let this be an opportunity to practice that expression and understand more about yourself. When we do that, when we don’t have these things occupying our attention and our energy, we are able to be more present with other people. And then when we are able to be present with other people, some of the most beautiful interactions and connections can come up. Absolutely. Thanks so much, Laura. I’m glad we got to do this. [@51:28](https://fathom.video/share/DXuwomiEKWQ3n6E7byWHzaZP7N7A4jp1?t