This Is As Much As You’re Ready For—And That’s Enough

Renae: Well, how about this? Laura, this is our first dialogue episode of the It Doesn’t Have to Be This Way podcast. So. Hi. Hello. Um, so every day I do some things, I know some stuff. Um, and, uh, along the way I have met you, Laura, and we have been in a, a little, uh, accountability group that we call accountability buddies, accountability buddies. Um, for it feels like a year. Yeah.

Laura: I think it has been a year. Mhm. You had a little bit. Yeah, I know.

Renae: And so we’re meeting on a regular basis, um, to, to talk through, um, different parts of being a business owner, being someone who’s trying to communicate with the world. And in that we’ve discovered some, some things we think are pretty interesting. We thought we would share with the world. So here we are.

Laura: Yeah, absolutely. I think one thing that’s interesting about our meetings has been that, you know, we started as like, okay, here’s a set of tasks and goals that we’re going to be completing every week. And then it has evolved into more of an ongoing conversation around self-development for both our people that we would love to serve and then for ourselves. And that works in parallel, right? That we are, we’re doing the work and we are also, um, working with other people to do the work. So, and I think that, that, that is a good metaphor for even what we do is that shifting people’s mindsets from, okay, here’s the task and here’s the goals, and we’re all going to accomplish and measure ourselves by our output and transforming that into what we’re doing in the now and how we’re, how we are growing as people and not as producers of work stuff.

Renae: Absolutely. Yeah. I think to that to that end, for those who are meeting me for the first time, um, I always struggle when people say, well, what is it that you do because I do so many things, but if I could encapsulate what I do, I create safe spaces for people to bring their full and authentic selves. And so whether I’m doing that in a one on one container or in a group container for personal development, or I’m doing that in a larger container for professional development, that’s kind of what I’m doing is just to create that space, um, for people to rehearse and get the muscle memory of being able to be who they actually are. So they can do that more and more in the world because that’s how we change things. And so Laura, um, not that I’m asking you to encapsulate everything into a sentence, but, um, could you introduce yourself to, to folks?

Laura: Absolutely. So my name is Laura Rees and I, my work, even though Renae and I do really different, we use different tools. The center of our work is the same, which is helping people connect with, I call it connecting with who you really are, um, aligning with your inborn energy so that you can live as your true self. And so the tools that I use to get there are things like, um, human design, yoga, meditation, breathwork, um, nervous system support, which Renae and I have some overlap there as well. Um, and guiding people in those ways so that they can feel safe in their body and feel safe to connect with what we call in the yoga world, like the, um, the brilliance of the soul that’s inside.

Renae: Yeah, I love that too. You know, going into, um, you know, where we discovered each other in somebody’s program and, and over the weeks of hearing a little bit of each other’s background and, and the things that, that come up for us helped us to know, oh, here’s a person who is experiencing some similar things in life, even though our histories are very different, our families of origin are very different. Our way of expressing things is very different. And we have this, this undercurrent of, of finding. Um, and I think the way that you phrased it is like that finding contentment in what is. So finding that. And to me, it’s the peace and the journey of the. This is the there is no there there that the, the, the whole, the whole journey is the. The process is the process and is in in some ways is the product. Um, and so I would love for us to kind of unpack. And for me that comes from, um, that is not how I was necessarily raised. Um, and I don’t think many people who are coming from the American tradition, um, that is very industrialized and, um, product driven and outcome driven. Maybe that concept of, um, if things being a practice, um, and continuing just to be a practice after practice after practice feels very, very foreign, but it became really, um, to light for me during my yoga training. That was a big part of twenty fifteen to twenty nineteen was, um, going through that certification and practicing and then teaching over and over and over and over and over and over again. Um, that’s where it really landed for me. Um, I’m, and I hear a little bit about yours too. I’d love for you to share that really start to plan for you. Yeah.

Laura: In yoga and philosophy, there is a concept, as you know, called Santosha, which is one of the Yamas and Niyamas. One of the eight limbs on the yogic path. And it means contentment, satisfaction. And that teaching encapsulates what you’re talking about, that we’re not on the way somewhere else, that everything isn’t going to be better once we get to a certain place, that the now is where we’re living. Um, and for me, that really resonates because I have always been a person that is just really goal oriented and have always been really future focused. And several times in my life have set a big goal. And once I reached it, have felt disappointed, like, oh, this is it, this is that. And when the first time it happened to me was I was working at a corporate job. This was decades ago. I was working at a corporate job and it was fine, but I really wanted to work independently as a writer. I wanted to be out on my own. And so I worked for a at least a year, probably two years, you know, getting enough writing samples to go out on my own and saving enough money that I would have a safety net so that when I quit that job, I, if I didn’t get work right away, we would be okay. And so there’s so much work and so, so much of my thinking was grounded in the future of it’s going to be so great when I can be on my own and work for myself. And, you know, whatever those fantasies were that I had. And then the day came when I, you know, walked out of my corporate job and I just had this really big sense of disappointment Because now it felt like I don’t have anything else to look forward to. Like, is this, this it? And I worked through cycles like that a few times in my life before I finally kind of realized what the. And at that point, I’ll back up to say that at that point I thought, oh, well, I just need a bigger and better goal now. And now I. Now I need something different to work towards. And so I completed a few cycles of that until I finally realized, oh, I’m allowed to just be happy with what I’m doing right now. Like I and in fact, that’s the work that I need to do. And, and not that I can’t have something I’m working to accomplish, but that part of the work is enjoying this work on the way to that goal so that when I got there, it feels just as great as, as I do right now.

Renae: Yeah. That’s so that the, the the goal of being happy with where things are right in the moment and and happy is a is a tricky word for me. Um, I, it does fall into a little bit of that whole like chemicals make you feel happy type of thing. So I do enjoy the, the word contentment. Um, but, but I really enjoy the word peace. Like the peace is where it’s like my soul can rest. Mhm. Um, and my soul can rest even while I’m active. So it’s not that it’s inactive or that it’s passive, but that things are in such alignment that it’s peaceful. Right. It there, there may be effort, but there is also ease. And I think that part again, like to me, like, the only place that I know that I have physically embodied that comes from those times when I’m doing exactly what I know I’m supposed to be doing, not because someone told me or that I should hit myself, but that, um. I am acting within my purpose. That soul piece that you had talked about, right? That I am lining up exactly where I’m supposed to be based on who I am, actually, not who I’ve been told I am.

Laura: Yeah. Yeah. It’s really interesting to when you think about when you think about a couple, there’s so many threads there, right? But like two of them that I would love to talk further about is one is the idea of embracing what is even when that doesn’t line up with where exactly we wish things were and what’s the difference between that and just like putting up with bad circumstances like you, you, things that are in your control or things that aren’t in your control is an interesting thing for me to think about. And then another, um, thing based on what you just said is just, um. Oh, I lost that thread. But talk to me a little bit about what you think about just like circumstances and there’s things that we we want to change and how are we supposed to be happy when there’s all this injustice or, or bad circumstances in our own lives or in the world in general? How do we find contentment there?

Renae: Yeah. Um, I think part of for me, part of that work has been that, uh, being able to disconnect some of the concept of deserve, um, that this, this idea of, um, first of all, I’m not that powerful. I am not that powerful that I would get what I deserve or that other people would get what they deserve. That is actually beyond my purview. Um, because, um, I don’t have the full picture of what is the, what is truth, what is right? What is just, I just know how it rings in me and the things that I can see that are life giving. The things that I can see that are causing destruction and death. And so I’m, I’m if I can see that something is harming, that’s I’m not content to let the harm continue. Um, so I might, but I might have to bide my time. And so it’s, there’s that piece of radical acceptance for what is while holding the hope for something different. And that’s the, the now. And yet it’s that liminal space of, and, and I, it really came out for me with my, um, my kids, especially my youngest, when we would talk about what she could and couldn’t wear out of the house. Um, because she has it, you know, had developed into her womanhood. And so at that point I said, hey, I’m not comfortable with you running around with that outfit for lots of reasons and not because of of any label that I would want to give her. But the reality of how women are objectified in the world. And she’s like, I should be able to wear whatever it is that I want to wear. And I said, absolutely, you absolutely should, without fear, without labeling, without that. And the reality is there are people who are going to use that as an excuse to harm you. And, and so we have to hold what is and what we would want it to be. Um, but at the same time and say, okay, what are the, what are the wise proactive decisions that we can make around this? What are some other options that we might have? What are. So because we don’t want to instill fear. We don’t want to like that’s not helpful. That’s not life giving. Fear is the opposite of, of life giving. Um, so it’s, I guess maybe that wisdom finding the wisdom And so the choices are made, um, in, uh, openness and curiosity to that things could turn out a different way along with the knowledge of what, what is and what has been, um, in preparing for what might happen again without the fear just to, it’s just that proactive piece, I think. Um, and so to, to apply that to other circumstances, you know, it’s the, the reason that we have car insurance and life insurance and that we have a safety plan and that we do rehearsals for, you know, where do we go when there’s a fire or an earthquake? And who do we call when it’s whatever? It’s because we don’t. We hope that it’s never going to happen, but we know that it could. Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. I love that example, especially if your daughter is I have we have had some similar conversations at our house about her, you know, going to, to, you know, different places that we feel that might not not be the safest. And it’s the it’s the same discussion. Well, I should be able to go wherever I want. Well, that’s a great that’s great. And I think that’s true. But we’re living in this world where I want you to stay safe.

Renae: Well, and I, I think the, the the, for me, the circumstance piece of it, like where the acceptance comes from is, um, to start to think about what, what is my part in changing the future world? Yeah. Then I can find a little more contentment in the what if is because it’s not just a, uh, it’s not an avoidance, it’s not a dismissive, it’s not a, a pretending. It’s not existing. It is a well, what, what can I do? What are the, the things that I can do that can change the future. Yeah. So part of, I think even part of what this whole, um, podcast idea came from for me is the, um, this idea of we, we not, we assume things based on trying to fit into a social structure. Um, and as part of our survival strategy of like, I don’t want to die. I know like, like we, from the moment we’re born, we know that if we are not accepted, we’re not seen, heard and valued, that we’re going to die. And so we will be seeking that kind of safety with the people and our environments over and over and over again. Um, and so that means the, the things that, that environment has learned in order to stay safe, uh, to have, you know, uniformity and to have coherence. will sometimes come into conflict with the full expression of ourselves, and we will start to feel boxed in or or muted or ignored, or there’s a different, um, identity that’s being spoken over us or acted toward us. Yes. And there’s, it’s coming into conflict. And so the, the piece of what is, what is my personal responsibility, not just for me, but for the future, um, to, to, to release that, to push past it to, to challenge those false narratives. Because it’s not even, again, not even just for me, like I need to do it in order to, to have any quality of life. Mhm. Um, but I also have a responsibility to the future and to the world. Yeah. To do that. To do that work.

Laura: Yeah, yeah. And seeing those things as an opportunity, like when something like that feels like a real injustice to you, then, you know, using that as a call to action to think critically about what you could do and to shape things instead of just to throw up my hands. I hate that this is real.

Renae: Right? Well, and to come back even to the the yoga practice, the idea of the practice means that there are these small incremental shifts that we continue to come back to those edges of ourselves. Um, and to, to find comfort in the discomfort of those edges. Yeah. Um, and so I’d love to hear even a little bit about how, you know, when that process for you of shaking hands with the discomfort, um, in, in that, what, what did that start to look like for you at the beginning of your practice? What does it look like now? How do you communicate that to maybe students or, um, what does that look like?

Laura: Yeah. You know, it’s interesting. I was just thinking about this really recently because I had a situation where I was on vacation, um, with my family and it’s the first family vacation that we’ve been able to take in several years. And so it was just a real blessing for us to be able to do it. And then my husband, who’s been a caregiver to his father, who’s suffering from dementia, it was his first break as a caregiver in such a long time. And so we came to the vacation. It was wonderful. And then my father in law had an accident. And so my husband and then we stayed through the through the rest of the vacation, my kids and I. And there was so much going on in my mind about that idea of contentment, me letting go of that anger and bitterness that something beyond my control had happened. Me letting go of guilt that my husband doesn’t get to enjoy this. Me trying to to stay grateful that we’re still here in this beautiful place. And I am still with my children. You know, like, there’s just so much of that going on that it gave me, it was kind of like a microcosm of exercise for me to say, okay, like, how am I staying in the moment here? And I did just really try to embrace all those feelings and not say, well, I shouldn’t feel angry. I shouldn’t feel bitter just saying to myself, you feel angry. That makes sense, you know, and just letting it kind of pass through. You feel better. Of course you do. Why wouldn’t you? Um, and then just anytime those feelings would rise up in me, I would embrace them, acknowledge them. And then once I felt like I had done that, tried to refocus more on the idea of gratitude and what I did have in that moment. And that I think can apply in a larger sense to your entire life from moment to moment. You know, because you are going to get mad and you are gonna you are gonna have circumstances that aren’t working out the way that you want them to. And so it’s those moments when you have to say, yeah, I feel super frustrated, but maybe then you can say to yourself, oh, well, what have I done? You know, look what I have done. Look how far I have come. That’s really interesting to me. And then how do I take this frustration or this experience and put it to better use for the future so that maybe I don’t get stuck in that cycle again? But that is another interesting thing that you do kind of iterate on the same cycles. You know, in a yoga practice, if you come to my yoga class, we’re going to do down dog a million times. And you know what? every time your down dog is going to be different because your body is different, it’s going to be different because you learn how to be in the pose more fully. There’s so much, um, uh, just nuanced movements in every pose and in, even in those ones that we do over and over again. And that’s like our life, you know, like, like that first time I had that goal and I was disappointed. I learned a little bit from that. And I adjusted my goal and did something different. And you know what I mean? It took me that many cycles to really start embracing like the now and the every day. And, and I think that’s experience that I needed, obviously, or else.

Laura: I would still be in that cycle.

Renae: Right. And there’s that piece of, um, you know, there’s two parts of in, in there. One is that it being angry is not the issue. It like people can feel whatever they want to. And I invite people who feel angry to be very curious as to why.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: Why? You know what? What is it? It’s usually some level of hurt. Slash injustice. Yeah. That causes people to feel. Right. That’s like, uh. And even in the. And even in the fear, it’s the fear that I’m, that I’m, I’m never going to get any of the good stuff or I’m never going to. Or, or the fear of I don’t, quote unquote deserve.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: Right. I don’t deserve this or I, I do deserve this, this, you know, whatever is happening. Um, so I think there’s that piece of it. It’s, it’s not the emotion that’s the problem. It’s what we do with it. It’s how we’re expressing it, how we’re, what actions we’re taking. Um, and even our m.o.d. Uh, so that gets really tricky for me in my household because we want people to have their full expression, and I’m going to come to a point where I’m like, you gotta use your words. Because if you’re just using your body, you’re trying to invoke an emotional mirror neuron in me to enter into that space with you without my consent. Mhm. Right. So that’s a whole, that’s a whole other podcast, but, um, the, the consent piece of things, right? So we’ve, we’ve got that particular thing. And then also the, we can’t force it. And I think that’s super tricky. Um, I’m gonna do broad stroke American culture moment here of we have a belief in force. Um, you know, the, the might is right. And that, um, you know.

Laura: Even in business, get out there and make it happen.

Renae: All of it. Right. Yeah. And I think that, that, um, that is the part of the yoga practice of. If you force it, you might get there and you’re going to miss the point. And also do damage because your body is not ready for it. And the piece, the part of the contentment is coming to to peace with. This is what I am currently. This is what as much as I am ready for. Because if I was ready for more, I would see that I could feel the ease to step into the next piece. Yeah. So even if there’s resistance that’s external, I would know the wisdom of what I, you know, how do I expand? How do I do I am I breathing in more breath just to allow myself to expand because there’s resistance in, you know, against my lungs, that air going into my lungs or, um, taking up space or um, stretching out or whatever the thing happens to be. There’s this desire of the environment to keep you exactly where you’re at because it stays this. And then when you move, you’re changing the environment. And so it’s the finding that comfort in. I don’t have to force that. I can expand into it. And it really, it’s just the it’s the listening. And we’re not, we don’t love that because when we’re quiet, we have intrusive thoughts.

Laura: Yeah, yeah. I really love that you said that about, um, that this idea of, you know, like, this is what this is as much as I’m ready for right now, like I can’t, I can’t flip a switch and make everything and be the person that I want to be. Not that who you are right now isn’t fabulous, but if you’re working on some changes in In yourself. You don’t expect those to happen by, you know, five p m, right? It’s okay for you to be on the journey. And in fact, that is what is best for you. To your point about relaxing into it. I was reading something recently about, um, just shifting mindsets and it said something that really resonated with me that’s so similar to what you were saying, which was like, this isn’t a process to force yourself to follow. This is a framework for you to settle into. To just be with that and let it unfold.

Renae: Well, and I think that’s probably a great place for us to end. Our first dialogue is that this is this is a journey that’s going to unfold. And so we are our approach is going to be very unforced. It’s going to be very, very much a openness, exploration coming to the edges of things. Um, figuring out what, what, what, what we’re learning from those edges. And, um, and then this piece too, of that, when we do this dialogue, when we have these conversations and when we’re, when we’re exploring in community, um, having someone with us that’s giving us additional perspective, that’s holding hope maybe when we don’t have as much hope, um, that is also bearing witness to our pain, our disappointment, our sadness, our anger, as well as the things that we’re celebrating. And so, um, Laura, I’m so glad we get to do this together. Um, and what else would you like to share with people before we say goodbye today?

Laura: Oh, I we’ve covered a lot, so I’m looking forward to pulling those other threads that we didn’t get to in this conversation.

Renae: Excellent. Thank you everybody.