Sometimes Wants Are Needs Disguised as Politeness

Renae: Well, hello, Laura and welcome back.

Laura: Thank you for having me. How is it going so far?

Renae: You know, we are on this week three of this peacekeeper and um we’ve had some, we’ve had some really interesting conversations about it so far, and I’m kind of interested to jump back in and wrap it up today. Um, but I know that there was a question that you wanted to bring up, so I’m going to just turn it over to you, to you to ask that question.

Laura: Yeah. So as we were discussing this before we started recording, we said something about the peacekeeper versus the peacemaker. And I would love to have you tell us a little bit about what you feel like is the distinction between those and how it relates back to what we’ve been talking about with the peacekeeper?

Renae: Yeah. So the the peacekeeper is putting boundaries around things or containers or trying to, um, order things in a particular way to hold the peace, um, a peacemaker is someone who is going to take where there is conflict and bring it together to make peace. They’re going to find a way to peace. Um, so there’s a, there’s different actions to the two of them. And I think that what you might have heard in my, my, uh, weariness about it in the last couple of weeks is that the peacekeeping part, um, to me is like, um, you know, we’re, we’re continuing to put duct tape around a broken peace appliance in the kitchen in order to hold it together so that it can work just enough to work versus let’s go ahead and do the repairs so that it can actually function the way it’s supposed to, and everyone can actually be safe.

Laura: Yeah. And I think it’s an interesting question for discernment too, as you so you know, if you’ve been on this journey with us, you have been thinking about, okay, where is my peacekeeper showing up? And then what’s underneath? Why is it showing up? And now I think you can start to think about to yourself like, am I peacekeeping or am I peacemaking? And if I’m peacekeeping, could I maybe change lanes a little bit to move towards this peace making, um, piece of it?

Renae: Yeah. And I think that the, the central part of, of that comes down to, are you, are you comfortable negotiating needs? I think that’s the, to me, the kind of at the crux, um, can are you able to identify your own needs and communicate them and can you hear other people’s needs as well? And then when you can bring that into a place where there’s enough safety to discuss, well, what are we going to do? Where are the common needs? How can we, how can we address and negotiate when and where we’re going to make sure people’s needs are met?

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: And if you are someone that, um, is really used to not negotiating for your own needs or putting those aside and just kind of going with the flow. Um, because I know that you are good at identifying your needs. Like what, what advice would you have for someone that is, has constantly been putting their needs last? Like what’s a baby step they could take between them and Renae to, to move towards this needs negotiation.

Renae: Well, and I’m glad that you said the baby step because I, I immediately went into the you know, if you continue to swallow this down, it’s going to affect your health. And I think that there that, you know, that’s it’s not a fear. It’s a warning. It’s a, it’s going to come out somehow. And so, um, what you’re, what you’re doing to care for yourself is to, to make it okay for you to identify and speak your need, even if it’s just to yourself. So ways, small ways that you can do that. It might even be doing a body scan and saying, do I need to adjust how my body is sitting or standing or laying right now? What’s my need? Where do I. What can I do with small movement that can I do that will give me more peace in my body? And when, when we’re able to, to do that and work that muscle of being able to identify what we need and then to meet that need and even sometimes asking for support to meet that need, um, that those are the beginning pieces of conflict resolution of peace making it because we’ve experienced it in our body. And the more we experience it in our body and in our brain, the more that we want other people to have that too, because we’re not fighting to try to recapture that peace. We already have it. So we’re not in competition with other people for it. We we want them to have it too.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Absolutely. I would also say that as people are moving from peacekeeping to peacemaking, it’s allowing some grace for themselves, knowing that this is like a muscle that you need to work a little bit. It’s a skill that you need to exercise. And I like that you’re talking about, like, you know, the somatic awareness too, because I think sitting with that feeling in your body that feels a little bit uncomfortable of like, I’m going to speak up and say that I have a need. Like the more that you, the more that you can do that and feel comfortable holding that a little bit of discomfort, the easier it’s going to be for you to start moving towards identifying and negotiating for your own needs.

Renae: Right? And, and knowing that you have that voice with yourself, um, strengthens it when you’re coming into a conversation with someone else, you don’t, you don’t necessarily have to fight the same way. And I’m thinking back to some of our conversations about boundaries, right? That boundaries are when we are telling somebody that we will or will not do something. And that that’s actually, to me, part of peacemaking too. That’s, that can feel, um, it can feel very empowering and powerful to be able to, to say these are the things I need. This is the things I will do or not do. And then also when we have that peace internally about it, um, when we say it, it’s not as threatening to people, um, it, because it doesn’t have anything to do with them. It’s, you’re talking about what you will or will not do. Now if other folks are dealing with their own stuff and their own, you know, whether it’s enmeshment or processing through healing or whatever the thing happens to be, um, it, that compassion that we’ve built for ourselves can also hold grace and space for them, right? To say, well, they’re on their journey as well.

Laura: Yeah, yeah. And maybe another piece of that is like, as you’re identifying your needs, maybe you can start with like the smallest ones that aren’t going to step on somebody else’s toes and which is not, you know, like maybe it’s like, where do you want to eat? And actually having a real opinion about that and not defaulting to what, what somebody else wants to do.

Renae: Yeah. And I think that that when you bring up, there is the difference between a want and a need.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: Right. That um, sometimes wants are needs that are disguised as politeness.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: And sometimes they’re just a preference.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: And when it comes to a preference versus a need. My husband is celiac. It is not a preference that we do not have gluten in his meals. He is violently ill for three days at least if he has it. And he can’t absorb any nutrients for three days.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: It’s not a preference. Right. And so that’s a need now. Um, I prefer not to eat liver. I do not like liver. If I’m in a place and that is the only thing put in front of me, I’m probably going to have to eat liver. Right. But I’m not allergic to it now. I’m allergic to beef. You put beef in front of me. I can’t eat it. My need is not to make myself sick. But if there’s a preference and there’s there, you know it. We’re. We’re negotiating. If I’m the guest, I’m probably going to eat it.

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: If it if I. As long as it’s not making me sick.

Laura: Right. Right. Right.

Renae: And I think that that’s one of those, um, I’m really grateful that I have people in my life who we all ask each other before we make food for each other. What can’t you eat? And what do you not like to eat?

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: And we, we do that because we care about each other, we’re helping to create that pathway for people to negotiate their needs and their wants.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Well, I would say too, when someone offers you, if you are finding yourself stuck as a peacekeeper and someone offers you a pathway to express your preferences, then that is the perfect kind of low stakes opportunity for you to start practicing that muscle of saying, I would like vegetarian lasagna. Whatever your whatever your preference is.

Renae: And I think even practicing, like if, if you get feel like you get stuck when someone asks you because you hadn’t thought about having a choice, right? Because you have felt like that choice, your choices have been overcome by other people’s needs and wants. Um, again, that’ll lead to resentment. That’ll lead to anger, but it also leads to the, I don’t know how to figure out what it is that I want. I think finding your safe people to say, I don’t know. That’s not something I’m really good at yet.

Laura: Mhm.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: You know, like I’m.

Renae: Still learning how to express this because I, I want to have internal peace and external peace.

Laura: Yeah. I think another thing that, um, someone that is recognizing and integrating their peace keeper or moving to or moving from keeper to maker is if there’s a situation that comes up when something is important to that person, but maybe to nobody else, but still treating it as though it is very important because it’s important to you.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: And I think letting that be done really well, um, and not as a, Um, it’s that has been done poorly toward me before.

Laura: Um, yeah.

Renae: Where, where someone said, oh, we only did that because you cared about it, but you’re leaving, so we don’t care about it anymore. That it, you know, like we would want to like communicate to someone. It actually feels good to say, you know what? We created this whole thing to create a space for you to be able to do this thing that you really, really care about because we care so much about you, right? Like just say that there’s not a it like that feels good to be thought of so, so much and so highly of that. People would say, yeah, we want you to do your thing because it’s important to you. Um, and so I think naming that and, and in the subtext of that is it’s okay for you to take up space and do things differently than we would to want things differently than we would to think about things in a way that we’re not thinking about it. Like the the care of that is actually kind of huge.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Absolutely. It does remind me of a light hearted version of that, where a job where I used to work, I used to tell people like, no bathroom talk, no bathroom humor, like that’s not for me. And then when I resigned, one of, one of my direct reports said, oh, good, Laura’s leaving now we can talk about poop and farts as much as we want.

Renae: Right. And there’s, you know what? That’s a that is such a, um. That is a funny, light hearted and and also there is a kindness to it that says, you know, we want you to know how you meant enough to us that we didn’t fight this, that we didn’t try to, you know, make it happen even though you it was not something that gave you peace.

Laura: Yeah. And this was definitely.

Laura: A person that had expressed in other kind ways that he had appreciated, uh, working with me.

Laura: So, you know, I was.

Laura: Able to take it in a way that was meant as a joke, you know? But, um, I will never forget that.

Renae: Well, and I think that speaks to what we’ve been kind of pointing toward is that, you know, peacekeeping and, and keeping everybody happy and keeping everything calm. Um, and, and the disappearing act that can come with that where you can’t show up. The opposite is true. That like true peace comes when I’m peaceful with myself, when I start to know who I am more, and then I can bring it to places and, and be who I am. And it’s, it’s I’m calm. I’m calm underneath my skin. Yeah. Um. And that brings peace.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. And I, I think that as, as people might be thinking about like, you know, finding that sense of calm, um, underneath underneath that and maybe not knowing quite where to start. Um, one of the things that we’ve talked about is thinking about like, what is making you feel most, um, joyful, what is making you feel most happy? What is making you feel most energized and letting those types of things be a clue towards what your real preferences are, what you know, what is worth it to you to raise your hand and say, this is what I want.

Renae: Yeah, absolutely. And I, the, um, the practice that I’m doing every day, one of the pieces is, um, a joy tracker. And so I think about the day before and on this, you know, month calendar, um, every day I, you know, go back to the day before and I say, what, what was a moment of joy from that day? And it can be all kinds of different things. It can be a phone call, it can be a good meal. It could be something that I laughed really, really hard about. Um, the, the one that was from today was yesterday was the season finale of silo for season three. And it was so fun for me. Like, I just really enjoyed all the twists and turns of it and all the oh oh oh ah. And it brought me so much joy. And that is just my nerdy little self saying like, oh, I love this sci fi thing. And I, it just is. So that a couple of days ago it was there was a line from from Ted Lasso where there were people in a in a pub and someone said something, you know, you guys are just a bunch of whatever. And, and in turn, each of these guys said, well, what you don’t know about me is this and you don’t know about this and you don’t know, you know, like, all these things would help that person be more empathetic and thoughtful toward them than the last guy said, I’m recovering from a head pineapple and someone goes injury. He’s like, and and I just paused and I just laughed so hard and so hard, so hard. And I was drawing pineapples for days.

Laura: And it was.

Renae: Just like, so, um, and, you know, as a parent of a child who’s had a head injury, like head injuries are not funny. And just that, that moment of, of humor where it was, he’s like, I’m recovering from it. it. I still have these effects, you know, like, but that gave me so much joy. And then like drawing pineapples gave me so much joy. Um, no one else is going to have that story quite the same way.

Laura: Right?

Renae: Who doodled pineapples in their, in their gratitude journal after that? I don’t know, but but I did, and I’m okay being different and expressing it in that way. I have complete peace. I’m literally talking about it on a podcast that will, you know, there’s now a digital footprint. It’s going to last forever, right? I don’t care. Um, but it’s those little tiny things. And so it could even just be, you know, not we’re not necessarily talking about, you know, write down three things of gratitude every day, but like, what is a time? What is it that gave you joy for a moment and, and celebrating that, that you Wonderful human that you are gets to experience joy and delight.

Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Yeah. And I think the bigger thing that you’re thinking that you’re talking about, and you were kind of nodding to this last episode too, is just this idea of being present in this moment, you know, grounding into joy, grounding into the body, um, taking some just tiny moments to celebrate to, to be here now. Um, it’s a really good way to move, to move toward, you know, this fullest expression of yourself.

Laura: Absolutely. Wow.

Renae: I think we did pretty good on the series. We, we weren’t sure about this particular series of The Peacekeeper. I know both of us were kind of leery heading into it. How do you feel about it, Laura?

Laura: I feel good about it. I do feel like we learned something about ourselves and hopefully, um, all of you listening did as well. Uh, it’s an interesting thing to It has been interesting throughout this entire series to explore the parts of ourselves that that we identify really easily, but I think that I’ve learned a lot also exploring these parts that I had to dig a little bit for us and to see like what kind of what that helps me reveal to myself about myself.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: And, and I’m so thankful that you are sharing that journey with us as we’re going through. And for those of you who’ve been following along, um, we still have that micro journey from this particular episode and of course, the twenty one day journey through unpacking this. And if you’re looking for those taking small moments, you know, it’s generally fifteen or ten minutes a day just to take some time to Explore and become aware and discover and and start to bring that integration into place.

Laura: Renae, thank you for leading us through these conversations. I’ve really, really enjoyed them.

Renae: That’s awesome. Thank you so much. Laura would have been wouldn’t have done it without you and wouldn’t have been the same without you.