No Tiger in the Room: Helping the Worrier Sort Real Danger from Old Fear

Renae: Well. Hello, Laura.

Laura: Hello, Renae.

Renae: Here we are. It’s week two of the worrier, and we have, um, we we continue to learn so much about ourselves as we’re going through this parts project and, and looking at our lives and things that come up. So I’m super excited actually to talk about this week of understanding safety. And I’d love for you to, to kick us off.

Laura: Sure. So, you know, we’ve been talking about this inner warrior. And I think one of the things that we uncovered last time is like, Sometimes the warrior is, you know, valid in its, um, doomsday scenario planning. And sometimes it’s taking it over the edge. Right. So, you know, um, sometimes we can be alert and that’s good, but then we can often get that confused with feeling unsafe like we are in real immediate danger. So I, and you had started to talk about, you know, feeling things in the body. And so I want to ask you if you can think of a recent time where your, your body was kind of activated, um, even though it wasn’t, uh, you know, really a, a situation that maybe warranted it.

Renae: Yeah. I think that, um and the unfortunate answer is there’s happening quite a bit. Um and I don’t, I don’t know that it wasn’t warranted. I know that in that moment, there’s nothing I could do about it. So I think that there is this overarching sense of unease or not knowing how things are going to go or concern. Um, certainly there’s a lot of unrest that’s happening in the world politically and socially and economically. And so there, I think sometimes it’s creeping up and it’s just building to a certain moment where I might be awash with unease and I will have a physiological reaction because it’s just it’s a bunch of tiny things that have built up. And so that’s where I, I have to stop and say, okay, is this something, is this something that I actually can take action on? Or is this something where I just need to acknowledge how I’m feeling in the moment. And

Laura: Mhm.

Renae: I think, to me, that’s the difference between whether it’s a whether it’s a worry or it’s generalized anxiety. Um,

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: from the, from the reality of the situation.

Laura: Yeah. And I’m glad you said, you know, I don’t know that it wasn’t warranted because I, I, I, I feel like the, maybe the way that I phrased that made it sound like, you know, did you get all worked up for nothing when really our feelings are always valid? Um, I had, I know it’s, I probably shared it in the episode where we talked about my disastrous and delightful vacation, but I did recently get an injury where I tripped over a tent stake and I ripped a gash between my toes and it was a semi serious injury like it did warrant going to the urgent care and the, um, kind of fix it up. But the drama surrounding it that I physiologically went into was like, I, I had to sit down and I passed out and I like, came to like really confused. And my husband had to say you’re okay. And then I threw up twice and passed out again and all that for this cut on my foot that honestly, you know, within a week was pretty fine. And so I don’t know how I could have control that better. But sometimes we just have these reactions and we just have to say, okay, that’s a thing that happened and you’re just going to move forward from it. And you know, I think I probably could have gone on and on about it. But once, honestly, once the doctor said it’s, you know, it’s, it’s not that bad. It needs stitches, but you know, it’s not that bad. Then I was just, I was just really more relaxed. So it was just like the, the fear of what might be wrong with me was so much worse than the reality of what it was. And, you know, maybe the worrier is, is having that same thing. And so that’s why it likes to collect as much information and plan as much as it possibly can.

Renae: Yeah. And I think we have these really cool, amazing brains that are collecting data and looking for patterns of safety all the time from the moment that we are born and that there’s this, this piece of us. The the lack of felt safety is because it has happened before that we that the same patterns had shown up and there was harm that happened in some way, whether it was a neglect, an abandonment of you, like an actual harm. Um, that so which is different than fear of the unknown. And I think, I think maybe this is like part of where we’re teasing this out is that, um, you know, the, the worrying where it’s, it cycles and spirals is, um, it’s, it’s, it goes beyond the, I can plan for this into the unknown. Right? So there’s like that planning, that alertness, that awareness that, that thinks of the different scenarios. And if this happens, this is what I’ll do. And if this happens and that that’s a great planning strategy, you know, like, that’s great to like think through all that we need, we need contingencies, we need plans, we need strategies. But the, when we, when we head into fear, it’s because in in lack of felt safety. Um, it’s because we don’t have strategies anymore.

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: And that becomes something different.

Laura: Yeah, yeah. It’s interesting too, when I, when you were talking about like this learning that we have had, um, my friend that is a natural worrier, he had a parent that was, I think like verbally abusive, kind of unpredictable. And so he can definitely trace back to like, that’s kind of why he is that way. And I think it’s interesting to think about, I mean, I think part of the healing for him has been to say like, I’m an adult now and that person and no one else can make me feel like that anymore if I don’t let them because I now have control over my life. I’m not a child that has to hide in their room, but it’s such a ingrained feeling of I mean, even now, like, do you think I’m ever going to walk around a tent site with flip flops on? No, I will be wearing a ton of shoes. You know what I mean? Like, and I never would have thought like that before, but you have this experience that really, um, uh, sets your behavior for such a long time. It’s small or big and, um, you know, that’s what your worrier is, is really responding to. And that’s why I think it’s so important to do this work so that you can make all of those distinctions between what you can

Renae: Right.

Laura: control, what you can, when is that, you know, when is it going to be helpful to plan? When is it not?

Renae: Right. And there’s, um, it’s, um, it’s so interesting too because, um, the, the piece of the Attachment cycle that comes into play here is that when we are in distress in infancy and in actually anywhere along our journey, but when we’re in distress and we have a need that we can’t meet, uh, we’ll express that in some way into the world and the people around us, whether they come into, um, the situation and help us to meet that need if they provide the emotional piece as well, that comfort in the midst of our distress and that validation that what we’re experiencing is actually happening and that we’re going to be okay, that changes how we see the world. Often it’s whether we have, um, a lot of that security, um, those layers that help us to, to be able to be more adaptive and resilient when there are other adversities that come up. And so it’s not it’s not that we want to live in a bubble and not have to worry or not have concerns. It’s that we’re we when we’re thinking about how we can set ourselves up for success while we’re collecting this information, while we’re having our reactions to it is how, you know, what kind of what kind of container can I create for myself that lets me do this in a way where I can take action? And so it’s not collecting data for, to, to put up a wall or to, to hide the library. Um, but instead to, to be able to make a decision and, and trust that or to use, you know, speaking of the library, like find your library and, and find your reference material and do a search

Laura: Yeah.

Renae: on the the interwebs, you know, like, what can you do? What can you add to this? That doesn’t mean it has to be internalized and loop.

Laura: Yeah. I, I love this idea of, of, you know, building that place for yourself is feeling, I mean, you’re saying like, where can I, you know, find this container? And then when you said hide in the library, I was like, well, what a great place to be, to have a safe haven. Just like imagining yourself all alone in the library. That might not sound great to everyone, but it does sound nice to me. It sounds like a good, safe place.

Renae: I think that there’s, um, there is a balance too, because if if you don’t, if you take action without reflection or you reflect without action, neither of those is actually going to fully meet your need. Because if you don’t take action, the situation is still going to be there. And if you take action without reflection that you’re not, you don’t have access necessarily to your internal wisdom, and you’ve shut down other cues that might be keeping you safe. And so I think it’s the, um, finding, um, finding that balance as you’re approaching this, of saying what’s, what is going to be the, the balance that helps my worrier to help me make wise decisions and, and take wise actions.

Laura: Yeah. Is there any times you can think of when you have kind of gone too far into the preparedness aspect, like you wanted things to be just right before you did something and it kept you from taking action soon enough.

Renae: Oh, yeah. Certainly in my business, I think that there’s been a. Because literally it is whether we have what we need or not like it. If it’s it’s not this is not pin money. This is life and living money. And, um, and so there’s been a lot of times where I felt like, oh, I don’t quite have this set up. Right. Or I don’t quite have. Um, and I was actually doing a, a little bit of a brain mapping, um, uh, process. And the thing that it called me out on a little bit, which was great. Um, said you, you pivot sometimes you pivot too soon when something might just actually need to stop. Sometimes you’ll you’ll you’ll feel like it’s a false start or you’ll get discouraged. And so you’ll do a, a a, a almost pull a muscle trying to salvage it. And I think that that is, um, my two extremes is either not starting something or going without having a, a good contingency plan or a good milestone marker to let me know and check in with myself is, you know, is, is this going the way that I want it to go? So it’s, I’m still learning that, but I, I would actually, at this point, still rather take action and fail forward than not take action at all.

Laura: Yeah, I’m I certainly have learned that I prefer that method as well. Um, because there have been times when I put something off and put something off because I was waiting for something to be perfect or I was wanting to know more or I was waiting to, you know, insert whatever thing it was here. And it was just procrastination. And then when I finally did it, then I didn’t even like it. And then I was just like, wow, I, you know, that was a long way to go for a ham sandwich, as they say. And so now I, I prefer to go ahead and just do something to find out if that’s the right direction or not. Um, because I get information faster that way.

Renae: Yeah,

Laura: But the whole

Renae: yeah.

Laura: over preparation has been a real learning opportunity to get there. You know, like I wasn’t always like that.

Renae: Yeah. And I think you know that It, it is, uh, um, to go back to even the beginning of our, of our conversation today that, um, I will have to stop sometimes and say I’m to myself, I’m safe. Like when I can start to feel myself spiraling, like beginning to do that or I can, I can feel, um, this anxiety looming or I’m trying to, to solve a problem. Um, I almost started singing a song. Um, sorry, from Sound of Music. Um, but the, um, the, it’s so funny. Um, but, but I, I think the whole, um pausing I, I’m going to come back to that, that pausing and saying hold on, hold on. There is no actual tiger in the room right now. So I can I can ratchet this down just a little bit. Like I don’t I don’t need to be approaching it with this amount. It’s I need to acknowledge what’s going on. I need to acknowledge. And then I let myself say, what is the worst case scenario? I think this is another piece.

Laura: Yeah,

Renae: What is

Laura: I

Renae: the worst

Laura: love

Renae: that can happen?

Laura: I love this exercise.

Renae: Right. And then I get to go to the real fear at the at the, you know, the real fear is if I do this and it fails and I don’t make money, we’re going to experience this, this and this. Okay, so I’ve said it. It’s no longer a secret. I’m no longer hiding from it. I’ve spoken it. And then I can say, well, this much, this part’s real, this part is not. And so the part that’s real, what can I do about it?

Laura: Yeah, exactly. Like I have done that. Um, when I find myself being really hesitant to move and I a lot of times, like the worst thing that can happen is, uh, everyone thinks I’m an idiot and they are all laughing at me. And then I can just be like, is that really gonna like anyone that I know that that actually knows me and that I actually care about their opinion. They might be like, I don’t know what she’s doing, but they’re not going to be like, she’s an idiot. But it’s for some reason, my, my worrying part of my mind, like always goes there to this, you know, I’m going to be completely ousted from, um, regular society and label the dunce and have to sit in the corner for the rest of my life. And once I get that, like, I like to journal that out, like once I get that on paper, then I’m just like, of course that’s not going to happen. You

Renae: Right.

Laura: know, like that’s kind of crazy. But before I do that exercise, it’s kind of that similar, like that fear of the unknown. It’s just like, you know, before I can get it out into the light and name it, it feels big. And then once I see it there, I’m like, all right, like I can handle that. That’s not going to happen.

Renae: Yep. And I, I just think I know we’re we’re coming right to the, the close of our conversation. But to for us this week to, to when we’re thinking about safety and that the core of this may really be the fear that you are going to be ousted from society, which then brings up the basic fear of dying. Because when we were in caves and we were in tribes, if you were ousted, you were on your own and you were gonna die. And so sometimes your brain and body is going to tell you, if I do this wrong, I’m going to die. And just acknowledge that that’s it’s like a it’s a driver. And then the reality is you have people in your life that are going to love you and accept you for who you are and, and lean into those relationships and write those affirmations for yourself and remind you that you are worthy of the trying and failing, that you’re worthy of developing these skills. You’re worthy of, of, um, not having to get it right all the time. It’s it’s okay.

Laura: Yeah. And I like how you’re playing it out all the way to death, honestly, because I feel like that can give you such a good understanding of your inner warrior. Like, oh, you thought I was going to die? Well, thanks. You know, like, I mean, it makes sense now that you didn’t want me to kill myself, right? Like you can, you can be

Renae: Right.

Laura: more sympathetic to this inner part that is just trying to keep you alive. I mean, like, you know.

Renae: Awesome. Wow. Thank you so much for taking us on this journey. Um, today, Laura, and in helping us, uh, um, walk through the understanding of safety and, and how it’s, it’s a driver that need for health safety can be such a strong driver for the, the warrior and what that can mean for us. So thank you so much.

Laura: Yeah. Thank you for being here. And also, I mean, if you are listening to this and this is resonating with you, gosh, we would love to hear your input on it too, because, you know, Renae and I are who we are and there’s so many different perspectives and experiences and we would love to hear those. And you can also do the micro journey for free or the full twenty one day journey and kind of really start to dig deep into this stuff on your own as well.

Renae: Awesome. Thanks, Laura.

Laura: All right. See you next time.